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Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 237, “How to develop a gratitude mindset in relationship”, an interview with Karl Staib.
Before we get started, I wanna take a moment and just ground with you; I’m gonna set the intention for the Empowered Relationship Podcast… And as I do, I wanna invite you to take a breath in and out, perhaps slowing down for a moment to just recognize what’s going on for you internally in this moment.
The intention for the Empowered Relationship Podcast is that the conversations that happen on this show support you in the journey of long-term intimacy, knowing that the challenges present potentially curriculum for us to work with in developing ourselves and developing our relationship, so that we can cultivate more security, more connection, more happiness, intimacy and confidence in dealing with upset, knowing that we have each other’s back. Just that happiness, that fulfillment that we typically all long for in relationship.
To gain access to today’s show notes, you can visit DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast there in the top navigation bar, and you’ll find all the episodes. Again, today’s episode is 237, “How do develop a gratitude mindset in relationship”, an interview with Karl Staib.
On the website you’ll also find free gifts to support you in deepening your experience with these principles. For example, there is a free relationship map that overviews each of the five stages of relationship with a summary, as well as the goal of each stage, as well as where we get stuck and the challenges, so that you have a better understanding of what we’re up against when we’re along the journey in intimacy. I’ll make sure to put that link in today’s show notes as well.
Again, you’ll find also how to engage in coaching, as well as getting curriculum in the way of courses, all, again, supporting you in being more equipped, better prepared and more skillful as you develop relationship in your life.
Karl Staib is the author of Bring Gratitude and the Creator of the 30-Day Bring Gratitude Challenge. He has helped thousands of people train their brains. He developed the Dig to Fly method and SOAR technique to help his clients become more resilient and happier. He also created the Legendary Leader Method to help leaders build better relationships with their employees so they are happier and more productive. He has been featured by Forbes, NPR and Zen Habits and worked with Philips Global, Southwest Research Institute and Pioneer Nation.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Karl, thank you so much for joining us today.
Karl Staib: Oh, thank you. I’m excited to be here.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Me too, and I love this topic. I think it’s such an important discussion to have around gratitude. Before we get started, I would love listeners to just get to know you a little bit better. What got you into looking at gratitude?
Karl Staib: Ah man, that’s a good question, because it goes back a long ways… Back to high school days, where I struggled with mindset. I think most teenagers do… And then going into college. I wrote a book in my 20s called “92 things to do besides suicide”.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Oh, wow…
Karl Staib: Yeah, and it was just a way for me to kind of focus my untamed energy in a more positive direction, instead of let my inner bully beat me up… But really coming into gratitude, the real tipping point for me was when my father was passing… It was hard to handle; it was something I had trouble processing. I’d kept a gratitude journal before… And you know, as you get older, when you’re in your 20s you’re still figuring things out, but as you kind of get into your late 20s and 30s you start to understand yourself a little bit more. I’m definitely more of an introvert that likes to process my thoughts through writing… And as I realized my father was probably going to pass, that’s when I was like “Either I go back to my therapist…” I decided I was gonna give a gratitude journal another go, but really stick with it and go a little deeper. Because I’d done a gratitude journal before, and then as I went deeper, I noticed my brain started thinking differently, my neural structures started changing… And as he was passing, it was kind of a love/hate relationship with this transition of me not having my father anymore, one of my best friends, to me really getting a deeper understanding of myself through my gratitude journal, and using this time and this space to springboard myself into being a better person.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: I love it, and I love what you’re offering in the way of just this self-inquiry. I also agree that the journaling for me has been such a really important tool to excavate and really look at my process, and to see it from a different perspective… Because it’s right in front of me, and then as I unpack it, I get to deeper layers of truth.
Can you share an example of when you were doing the gratitude journal? And maybe even just to back up one step further – how do you do a gratitude journal?
Karl Staib: Good question. When I first started, it was very surfacy, and I would focus on things in my life, like a cup of coffee; I’d reiterate, “Oh, I’m so glad for this cup of coffee” or “I’m glad for the partner I’m with”, but I felt like I hit a wall… And I’ve been married now for 14 years this October… But you know, everything’s ebb and flowing, and there’d be difficult moments. But I realized that my negative attitude would surface, and instead of my inner bully attacking myself, I noticed a lot of times I would turn it on my wife, and kind of attack her inside my own head… And knowing I have so much love for her, but I started to see these patterns happen because of my gratitude journal.
To answer your question, what I started doing, instead of just what I was grateful for, I would focus on why I was grateful for it as well… Which was really important, because that’s what infuses it into you, and really makes it concrete… Because I think too often it’s easy to say “Oh, I’m grateful for my wife, I’m grateful for my kids, I’m grateful for this cup of coffee”, but the reality is WHY are you grateful for those; that’s where a gratitude journal really starts to work for you. Because I can be grateful for these things and kind of feel it, but when you think about the why – I’m grateful for my wife because she has a great smile, or she supports me when I’m feeling down, or I’m grateful because she helps me with editing my blog posts… Whatever it is, it becomes much more internal and something more powerful. And that’s when it really started working for me, and I started kind of rewiring how I thought.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: The way that I’m experiencing as you’re describing, just the content and the listing the gratitudes, versus listing the gratitude and the why – it brings me into more of an emotional space, and oftentimes the emotion is where we tend to feel a shift in the experience. It sounds like there’s a level of repetition here that starts to change the patterning.
Karl Staib: Yes, exactly. And it’s practice. It is one of the hardest things to do, to change how you think and how you process things, but it’s possible. Just in the past few years they’ve realized the brain is malleable; it’s not a fixed number of brain cells like they used to think. We generate new brain cells, and because of that, our neural structures can change. So we can go from being negative to being a positive person with a lot of practice, and a lot of dedication.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: So can you give us an example of what your pre-gratitude journal and developing and cultivating a gratitude mindset, and then — I mean, I guess, like you’re saying, it’s an ebb and flow, and there’s always a process here… And I say for myself all of these things; I do my very best to practice, and I’m human like everyone else, and get confronted with the challenge… But when you have a level of grounding in the practice and you shift it into a different mindset – can you give us an example of the contrast?
Karl Staib: Yeah. So a few years ago my wife decided she was gonna get me a Christmas gift. And when I opened it, I saw that it wasn’t the gift that I wanted; you know where this is going, right? [laughs] I think being a gift receiver is hard for me. It shouldn’t be… But it’s a little bully inside me; I like to call him Arnold, because it’s like my mix of my 9-year-old insecure self and my German father… And I find almost this inner little bully, like “You don’t deserve this”, or “You do deserve this, but the reality is it’s not good enough for you”, which is so amazing, to watch your brain and the awareness that starts to occur the more you dig into this stuff… Because it’s like two different spectrums of how my bully works inside of me, and how these stories work inside of me. So as I open it up, it wasn’t a speaker that I wanted; I wanted a voice-controlled speaker, and not one that’s controlled by my phone.” So I looked, and I knew as the words were coming out, like “This is the worst possible thing.” And I was like “Oh, they didn’t have the one I wanted?” And ugh, I just wish I could have taken those words back, because I saw her just go from a smile to a frown, and it just broke my heart. I was just like “I can’t believe I just said that.”
And now, my inner bully is still there. He’s still like “You don’t deserve this” or “This isn’t good enough”, and all these different tricks my mind plays on me to keep some distance between me and my loved ones; this emotional protection that my ego likes to have… So just being aware of it and seeing it, and noticing it… It’s been night and day for me. I still have these negative thoughts or inner bully thoughts, but I’ve been able to enjoy them and be grateful for them, and not let them dictate my actions. And that’s the key – you get to stop and think, “How real is this thought? Should I act on this thought?”
I created a little method that I used with my clients, I call it the Dig to Fly method. It’s basically just five questions that I ask myself before I really take action on something that’s bothering me. Maybe something somebody said, or maybe a project that I’m struggling with. Do you want me to–
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yeah.
Karl Staib: Okay, real quick – the thing is you have to create some emotional separation between your thought and that emotion. Because you’re right, the emotion can solidify in and really create that calm, good feeling inside of you… Or it can do the opposite – it can create separations between you and your loved ones in your life. So you need to figure out how to create that little bit of distance and pause before you act. And I’m really working on this with my 10-year-old – just pausing and not letting… My dad was quick to anger, and it’s what I grew up with, and what I’ve been to trained to act accordingly, or similar to him… And I’m realizing I don’t have the relationship that I want with my oldest son. So I’ve been kind of going over this…
For example, I’ll ask my son to do something, and he of course won’t do it… And I can feel the anger coming up. So I ask myself, is this good or bad? And it’s the first question. In my mind, that anger is bubbling up, like “I asked him to do this. He’s not doing it. I’m frustrated. This is the third time I’ve asked him”, and so I might answer “Bad.” Like “Oh, this is bad. He’s not listening to me.”
And then I ask myself “Is it 100% good or bad?” And this is where it gets interesting, because nothing’s 100% bad or good; there’s always spectrums to the color. So usually, I’ll be like “No, it’s not. It’s not the end of the world that he’s getting lost in his imagination, and lost track of time. In fact, that’s pretty much what I did when I was ten years old.” I think that’s where some of the anger comes from. Internally, I don’t want him to make the same mistakes I did. So I’ll ask myself “Why do I feel this way?”Well, I’ve asked him already two times, and now this is the third time, and he’s not listening to me. And it’s important that he listens to me. Because if he doesn’t, then he’s not helping out around the house, I’m setting a precedent that he doesn’t have to listen to me…
And then I say “Well, what’s one small thing I can appreciate?” This is question number four. What is one small thing that I can appreciate about this situation? Well, I still have a chance to improve how I’m communicating with my son. Versus yelling at him, I can really get down on his level and talk to him, and say “Hey, I need you to take care of this. Can you do this in the next five minutes?” and really make sure he understands. And usually, when I do something like that, or maybe I can even find another thing – I appreciate that he has such a great imagination, that he does get lost and doesn’t listen to me, and he’s gonna be able to use that imagination as he gets older, to discover new things, to come up with new ideas. And I don’t wanna get so mad that he’s scared to use that imagination.
And then I ask the fifth question, “What opportunities could come out of this situation?” And usually, most of the time it’s opportunities for me to do a better job of connecting with myself. So instead of getting angry, I can do a better job of communicating better with my son. The opportunity could be – you know, sometimes, like my dad, I get controlling, and I expect things to happen quickly, and it’s not fair to him. He has his own thoughts in life. So this opportunity could allow me to let things go, really kind of think things through.
What this does is it helps reframe the situation, and not just say “It doesn’t matter”, but just get a better understanding of what this relationship with my son and this moment in time – how it’s affecting me, and how I can act in a way that helps both of us, versus me just letting my anger take over.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: I really appreciate you breaking this down. There’s a few things I really like about what you’re saying, one of which is so often when people contemplate gratitude, it feels inaccessible, because it feels like it’s by-passing the authenticity of the pain. And what you speak to is there’s a bit of a pause, and there’s also a recognition of what’s arising, and even your reference to physical sensations, and the situation, and the feelings… So it’s not pushing anything off to the side; it’s welcoming and acknowledging, but maybe not being so heavily steeped in that position, which – the other thing I like is so often when we approach another, and we’re so attached to a particular position that’s such prime, fertile ground for power struggle… So to be able to connect with some aspect, even if it’s of appreciation, it gives some ground of relationship or connection, and an opportunity, an opening, or a path, that it can feel really genuine, without bypassing the pain or the difficulty… Because it’s also there; it’s just finding something to work with, that then begins to amplify a little bit more. What would you say about that?
Karl Staib: Yes, exactly. And it’s so important… People, especially guys, we stuff our emotions down; guys are taught this, especially in sports… You know, “Shake it off. Get back up.” Women are, too; I just don’t think it’s as prevalent. But I think instead of really tuning into our emotions, we stuff them down or ignore them, and wait for them to go away… But they don’t. And we need to tune into them, because this is the feedback we need to live happier, to connect with people in a better way, and in a more positive way. And the more we can do that, the more doors open up for ourselves. It’s amazing how feeling these things and being able to appreciate them, the good and the bad… Because they’re just sensations. And that’s the thing – being grateful for… And this might sound weird, but – so when my father passed, I started really digging into my gratitude journal, and that’s where the book Bring Gratitude came from, because I started seeing stories, and I started seeing this story arc… And I remember my son – he was probably about 2 years old, and he punched me right in the crotch; he was angry because I took away a toy, and I didn’t expect it. He was 2 years old, and he just got angry and [unintelligible 00:21:25.26] me right in the crotch. And there was that flash of anger that came over me, and just through the commitment to gratitude, all of a sudden this switch turned on; I was like “Why am I grateful for this situation?”
And coming back to those steps again – this is before I had that breakdown of steps; it was just like “Okay, why am I grateful for this situation?” and I was like “My son’s displaying his anger, and showing it, versus being afraid to show anger. My son is 2 and has the strength to punch me.” Some kids — parents lose kids at a young age, when they’re not strong enough. That strength is good; he needs to use it in a more positive way, but… And all of a sudden, I was like “Wow, I’m grateful for my son punching me in the crotch. I never thought that would have been possible.” And it made me laugh. And all of a sudden, my son went from angry to laughing with me, and in that moment, we had a positive moment, where we bonded over us.
And then we had the talk, of like “Hey, you can’t do that”, but it helped us and our relationship, versus — you know, what my dad would have done… Anger, sent me to my room, or got so angry that he scared me… And I realized “Wow, I am really improving as a person, and it’s because of this practice.”
Dr. Jessica Higgins: And I like that, because you’re speaking about it’s not just a light switch, like “I am practicing gratitude and therefore I experience gratitude. It’s more of a question that you’re holding, that you’re committed to this practice, and staying in the wondering that allows for development.”
Karl Staib: Yes, that’s a great way of putting it.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: And does it vary as to when you have a more embodied, physical, full experience of gratitude?
Karl Staib: Oh, yeah. That’s the beautiful thing about being alive – it just fluctuates from day to day. From just waking up and just knowing “Today is gonna be a great day”, or waking up and just having your backache a little bit, and kind of set you down that path of like “Uh-oh… Is this gonna be a rough day on my lower back?” and feeling those sensations and just being open to the present moment and enjoying the present moment for what it is, and not what it’s not.
That’s the big key – we can’t change what the present circumstances are, or at least most of it. We can adjust some things, we can choose what foods we put into our body… But for the most part, each day is what it is for 99% of it, and it’s up to us, our attitude, to adjust to the world around it, versus the world adjusting to us.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: And what would you say — the way we’re speaking about this practice of gratitude is a very individual process, and I could see that this could get tricky if you’re trying to support your partner; if they’re stuck in a difficult circumstance that day and perhaps they wanna vent, or they’re seeking comfort and soothing… And it’s not something perhaps that we wanna support them or facilitate their gratitude practice, but also couples can also really benefit from the mindset of gratitude. I guess I’m just curious what you think about that.
Karl Staib: Yeah, if my wife complains, I let her complain. Because me telling her to focus on gratitude doesn’t help. It’s like telling an alcoholic “Hey, stop drinking.” Life doesn’t work that way. The person, how they’re acting – it’s gonna play out; it has been playing out for many years. You telling them how to be happier or change things isn’t going to help. But what you can do is focus on your own attitude and situation. And that’s the great thing about gratitude – you are setting an example for other people, and you might not even realize it. And it also changes the lens that you also look at life.
If you allow someone else to vent and not feed into it, eventually it dissipates for them. You just listen, you let them feel it… But there’s so many studies; studies have been done where if you’re 10% more grateful than the average person, you’re going to encourage and create a more positive relationship with that person. So they’re more likely to be grateful. They’re more likely to not complain as much. The positives go on and on from work to home life.
But what I’ve found is the number one thing is when you bring that gratitude and you bring that lens of gratitude to a situation, you stay calmer and you stop trying to wanna change that person. Because they are who they are; they’ve dealt with a lot of crap from their parents, from going through teenage times… Because I don’t know about you, but teenage time was rough for me, and I would say rough for 99% of people… It’s a traumatic time, and I think we’ve all been through trauma from other relationships, through car crashes, to scary experiences when traveling, you name it. All that stuff is jumbling around in people’s heads, and they have to play it out the way they play out. But if you can change your own lens and attitude, you then bring a positive light, and they’re gonna feed off that. And they have to be ready to a certain extent, but they’re going to be more likely to kind of turn that corner a little more quickly, because you’re not saying “Oh yeah, my boss, too. My boss does this. Isn’t this terrible?”
For me, what I’ve found is when you — and this is the hard part, especially if your significant other… But if you bond over negative things, things you complain about, it gets harder to turn that relationship around. I would say most really solid relationships bond over positive things. Their love of hiking, their love of animals, their love of cooking… Versus “Oh, don’t you hate this? This band is terrible!” or “Ugh, I can’t stand this person. She does this/He does that!” When that becomes the foundation of your relationship, it gets harder to have a positive and grateful relationship with that person. It’s possible, it just takes a lot more work.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: For sure. It feels limited in its capacity; it doesn’t always allow that level of information that your five questions offers… And if we’re in relationship and one person’s a little more in it – even like with your son; you can look down on them, or you can shame them, or want them to be different… But like you said, it likely isn’t gonna result into anything positive as far as their response to that. Or just joining with them doesn’t evolve it either. So in some ways – and I like that you’re saying this – each person has a whole background, and lived a life that is full of perhaps different complexities, traumas and pain, and that there’s a healing that often, I believe, gets evoked in partnership, and I think in some ways we can be that positive mirror or that safe space. And if we can stay grounded and balanced in that gratitude, I think that it allows that safe space for the partner that’s in it to be able to kind of have some development in their own way, in a way that’s for them, or meaningful for them. Is that what you have found?
Karl Staib: Yeah. Would you wanna do these five questions? Like, are you struggling with anything?
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Well, so I think I told you – and I don’t know that this is that deep, but the first thing that pops for me is I can’t control when there’s neighborhood noise. Perhaps a neighbor doing yard work, and the jackhammer, and knowing I have an interview, and feeling some tightness around that, but knowing I can’t control it.
Karl Staib: So is that jackhammering good or bad for you? How does that feel?
Dr. Jessica Higgins: I mean, it feels bad in my goal of having an interview, but in the bigger picture I know it’s not.
Karl Staib: Yeah. So you know it’s not 100% bad.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Correct.
Karl Staib: So why do you feel that way?
Dr. Jessica Higgins: I feel protective of a quality interview and people’s time to listen, and really wanting to do my best to provide the best opportunity for a good, valuable interview.
Karl Staib: So the judgments of other people if this doesn’t go perfectly.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yeah. Or just knowing when I listen to something that it can be uncomfortable or not pleasurable to listen to, and it would interfere with the learning.
Karl Staib: Okay. So what’s one small thing you can appreciate about this situation.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: That I have the Mute the button; that I can mute when I’m listening, or when I’m not speaking. And that I do have a team that edits, that allows for further fine-tuning… And that I have patient guests like yourself, that don’t get distracted… Yeah, I guess I’m just even grateful that I have the capacity to be able to do this show, and offer content and valuable tips and tools, and then also get to feature other people in the world, supporting personal growth and relationship.
Karl Staib: Even with the jackhammering going on in the background…
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Even with the jackhammering, yeah… [laughter]
Karl Staib: Exactly. So what opportunities could come out of this situation?
Dr. Jessica Higgins: I mean, ultimately, I would love to have like a sound room or a studio that is a little more soundproof… But me personally, I think it’s just another great opportunity — like you mentioned, not being perfect, and just trusting and being with what is, and letting go of trying to control anything.
Karl Staib: Yes, yes. There it is. And that’s the beauty of digging in. It’s taken me so long to realize that. We like to control things, and our expectations are such a bare at times… And you hit the nail on the head – those expectations are hard to meet, and then it’s why so many people struggle, including myself, with traffic. We expect to be to point B faster, and we’re not getting there. And you could put so many analogies to that. If your career, your podcast could be just an extra thousand people, or “If I could get this guest…” And it goes on, and on, and on, and I think that’s coming back to what are we grateful for, and how are we grateful for it. And that’s why to me gratitude is so powerful; it helps you reframe that stuff, and it helps bring – to your point, it’s not just about being blissful, and everything’s okay, and like “My arm just got cut off, and it’s bleeding out…” No, you have to go to the doctor and get that taken care of. But the idea is to be aware of these thoughts and feelings, and be grateful for them.
And our friends – they’re there to help guide us; our emotions are such a wonderful tool to work with. But we often try to power through our days, versus really just enjoying the ups and downs that we have as we go along.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yeah. And just to add to the learning, when I think about my husband, and if he is in a challenge with work, or his particular paradigm with work – and I would say probably 90-something percent of the time I’m just present and listening, but there are times where I’m wanting him to get a little bit — like, I want him to move along a little faster… And I know that that’s not helpful, but sometimes it’s like my own relationship there with that…
Karl Staib: And that’s a choice though, right? There’s nothing wrong with saying, “Hey, I feel like we’ve talked about this. Do you feel like you’ve already brought this up?”
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Well, I just wanted to say though that for me, when I am able to take a step back and have a wider span and experience – I haven’t worked with your particular questions, but my own experience around working with this… It either allows me to slow down and drop into less about my imagination or expectation around what things should be, or what I’m attached to them being, and really being present to him and in relationship with him. And sometimes, as I kind of deepen in in my own presencing, sometimes it is like “I wanna have some fun. I wanna set a boundary around what I do to create that.” Or whether or not it’s “Oh, I’m deepening into a new insight.” There’s so many times where my husband, in his ability to feel more deeply into things – I have a new insight, or I have a new understanding of him that I would have never gotten to had I not just slowed down and been present and available to what was happening, and looking for my own opportunities, rather than being so steeped in a particular position off of that.
Karl Staib: That’s a great point. And then we can make that choice, like “Okay, he’s brought this up for the fourth time in this conversation. Maybe I say something, or maybe I don’t.” But instead of just acting and getting frustrated, and either not showing him, we settle and just say “You know, he does do this, but I know this pattern. He just needs to get it out. Then he’s gonna feel better tomorrow, and he’s not gonna dwell on this.” I think that’s a great point; in relationships, that awareness is so important.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Alright, Karl. Is there anything you wanna say before we start transitioning into how people can get in touch with you, and what you have to offer?
Karl Staib: Yeah, so I have one sheet called SOAR, BringGratitude.com/soar, and it’s an evening routine for people to practice this stuff. I think it’s important to have a daily practice around these concepts. So each night I like to do what’s called SOAR; I Simplify, Observe, Appreciate and Reflect. And I do this literally just as I’m brushing my teeth, going to bed. I might straighten something up, I might find something in my room that I’ll donate. So Simplify – kind of get rid of things, donate to a charity or whatever. Observe – kind of what we’ve talked about; observing our feelings, observing what’s going on, “Do I have any tension going on inside of me?” And then Appreciate – I do my gratitude journal at the end of the night; what are my three things I’m grateful for, and why. And then Reflect. I think this is one of the things most people – when they can build this habit, reflect on the positive things that they’ve done well… This is so important, because we don’t talk about this enough.
We always look back, we’re wired to look back and see the mistakes we made. We didn’t ask a question in the interview, or we didn’t jot down this note and we forgot to email this person about this, we didn’t follow up about this… That’s okay; of course, see those things, and notice them, and then say “Okay, I’ll make sure I’ll do that tomorrow.” But then also think about the good things you’ve done; look at the things you’ve accomplished. A really quality presentation you did, or an email you wrote that was well-detailed and well thought out. Checking in on a co-worker at work, just to see how they’re doing. Those little things – if we remember them, those positive things that we’ve done will build confidence.
And then when you’re reflecting on that stuff, then think “Okay, what’s one thing I can do better tomorrow? And when you go to sleep with that stuff, that’s the stuff that’s going to go into your long-term memory. You’re gonna wake up, feel more positive, more grateful, and you’re gonna have more energy. And that’s huge. Because life is just about having good energy and enjoying the stuff we do. A lot of times we don’t think about how important that is to do at the end of the night, and to really think about that stuff. Creating those neural connections that are gonna help you make today even a little bit better.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: And this goes to the other thing I think I wanted to mention – how empowering your questions can be. Because whether or not it informs about a boundary, or something that you wanna work towards… You talked about how often from a man, or in his more of the masculine experience there’s not a lot of support to feel all your feelings, and so the tendency is to turn away… And that, I think, in my understanding, can contribute to these anger outbursts… Because it’s like the straw on the camel’s back type of thing. When we are not connected, it can be overwhelming sometimes, when something kind of really — that last straw. So I think it can be incredibly empowering to be connected and reflecting, and then really being intentional about the next step.
Is there anything you would say for couples around how they might be able to practice together?
Karl Staib: Yeah. I would talk about things that you’re feeling and doing… And if you can ask your significant other to have these questions for you. Say “Hey, I was struggling with this thing. Can you ask me these questions?” Because you don’t wanna say “I see you’re struggling with these things. Do you wanna do the five questions?”, because they’re probably gonna be like “No, I don’t wanna do those.”
So it goes back to just saying “Okay, I wanna do this thing. It’s gonna take literally five minutes or ten minutes. Will you do this with me?” And I would say 99% of the time they’ll say yes, and they’ll learn about you, and how you think. And hopefully, they’ll be like “Hey, can we try this on me? Because this works really well. I love how this is kind of breaking things down. Yeah, let’s try this on one of my situations.” And you can even ask that, and then after you’re done, say “Hey, do you wanna try this on something that you’re dealing with?” And a lot of times they’ll say yes. At least that’s what I’ve noticed.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Gotcha. Awesome. Wonderful. Well, how do people get in touch with what you’re offering, and your book, and all of the things that you’re up to?
Karl Staib: Yeah, BringGratitude.com is my hub. I see a book there, I’ve got a card deck, I’ve got the Bring Gratitude cards. It’s a positive question of the day that you can put by your toothbrush or on your desk. I have the SOAR, so BringGratitude.com/soar. That’s probably the best place, because then they can get the one sheet that helps them with their evening routine, and then they’ll also get a link to this Dig to Fly method, that are these five questions.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: I love the name of that. Well, I will make sure to have all of these links on today’s show notes. Karl, thank you so much for spending time with us today.
Karl Staib: Thank you, I had a great time. Great questions.
I hope you have enjoyed today’s interview, again, with Karl Staib. You can find today’s show notes, again, at DrJessicaHiggins.com, click in Podcast, and there you can find today’s episode, 137, “How do develop a gratitude mindset in relationship”, an interview with Karl Staib.
Until next time, I hope you take great care.
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