Hi, thank you for tuning in to the Empowered Relationship Podcast, your relationship guide. I’m your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, licensed psychologist and relationship coach.
Today’s episode is 247, “How to turn towards your partner to strengthen your love.” Before we get started, I wanna take a moment to just center with you, find our ground in these conversations, in that the intention is to set you up for success, as you navigate and co-create long-term intimacy with your significant other.
The conversations on the Empowered Relationship Podcast are in support of that journey, helping you consider research, principles, practices as you negotiate your moves with your significant other. We recognize that in relationship we are interacting together and there’s a reciprocal dance at play. So if we are taking time to reflect and contemplate how we show up, we may be able to recognize that when we feel pain, perhaps threat, challenge, that there is an opportunity for healing for growth, for repair. This might relate to previous relationship, perhaps even upbringing in childhood, or perhaps it’s up-leveling the way we co-create and contribute to the safety and the quality of the connection, increasing our capacity to take care of and invest in that bond.
As we talk about on the Empowered Relationship Podcast, this is not a small undertaking, in that cultivating a long-lasting relationship requires investment. Like anything in our life, what we are devoted to, what we give attention to and what we’re committed to usually is a reflection of that investment.
This is the main intention and invitation to you, to see your relationship as a precious, valuable aspect of your life, that if devoted to, will continue to multiply in its gifts and return.
If you would like access to today’s show notes, you can visit DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast there in the top navigation bar, and if you click on Podcast, you’ll have access to all the episodes. The most recent episodes are at the top, and today’s episode, again, is 247, “How to turn towards your partner to strengthen your love.”
As I am recording this episode, it’s December 19th 2020, and we are in the middle of a pandemic here in the United States; actually, in California, Santa Barbara, where I live, we are currently in a stay-at-home order. And this year of 2020 for many has been quite a year – full of stress, uncertainty, limitation, setback, loss, death, and financial hardship.
As we are in the midst of holiday season, many people are grappling with how to maintain or modify family traditions, and not being able to gather and celebrate in the same ways. And this poses a challenge, whether or not we’re facing grief, and loss, or confronting loneliness, and perhaps pain that we haven’t looked at. In modern day life we have many things to turn towards, in the way of relief, comfort, soothing, which – some might give us more lasting, sustainable comfort than others. Some quick fixes, which we all know, can be food, alcohol, social media, entertainment, or whatever other distractions take us away from the painful sensations that we might be experiencing to some degree.
Today I wanna distill, highlight, underscore, emphasize the essential need for all of us to feel connected. And one of the most potent and powerful ways of prioritizing connection is to turn towards. And I talk about this a lot, and I know a lot of my guests also talk about the power of turning towards. I do believe turning towards can be turning towards our own experience, and coming into more fuller contact with what is alive in us. Turning towards can be turning towards our significant other.
In today’s conversation I’m gonna be offering more context to what this actually means, what we’re talking about, what all is at play, and breaking this down a little bit more specifically.
The first fundamental piece of turning towards your significant other, or to simply turn towards, period, is to be more responsive. Now, I’m sure we all have familiarity with this, and again, with the busyness of modern-day living it’s easy to get distracted. And it’s sometimes a coping strategy to be distracted. As I was talking about a moment ago, if we feel some level of discomfort, awkwardness, unease, that being distracted can take us out of that experience to help us manage that, to cope with that. But that is a short-term fix.
So if we’re looking at investing in equality of love, of a safe, secure bond, we wanna be aware of how we are responding to our significant other. Now, this can be in big ways, but most often it’s the daily little things, the small interactions… Albeit small, but often frequent. If we look at any given day, the amount of exchange, the little ways in which we respond to each other, both verbally and non-verbally, that is continually building a reciprocity of attention, availability, engagement that we are responding to our significant other. And that creates a feeling of care, positivity and solidarity in the bond, that translates to happiness, satisfaction, love, passion, intimacy.
Over the last week or so, since I’ve been thinking about this episode, I’ve been noticing myself, and I have to be honest, there are times where my husband will say something and I’m in the midst of something, and there’s a part of me that doesn’t wanna be distracted, and I feel that tension between perhaps staying with what I was focused on, and turning towards him. And one silly example, but again, as I’m saying, a lot of these interactions are very small, but the potency of them are powerful.
On a couple of evenings I’ve noticed that when my husband crawls into bed and he’s saying “BRRR, it’s cold!!”, I can hear it in his voice that he’s calling for me. He’s wanting to cuddle, he’s wanting to share in that body heat and that warmth, because our bed is cold, and it’s a little chilly… And there have been occasions where I’m like “Oh, I’m so snuggled up…” I crawled into bed a little earlier, and I had kind of warmed up my spot, and I was kind of drifting, and I was ready to go to sleep, and I felt, again, that tension of “Okay, he can come cuddle me”, but I remember turning towards him intentionally to respond to that call. And again, I’m mentioning that some of these interactions on face value, again, might not seem that significant, but when we don’t respond to our significant other, or perhaps they don’t respond to us, it can feel — and again, this is not statistically 100% of the time. Not everything is hinged on one small interaction; it’s the cumulative. But when we look at that overall, cumulative responsiveness rate, we want that to be in the higher percentage rate.
Dr. John Gottman has done a lot to contribute to this conversation and turning towards, and he talks about bids, which I’ll talk about in a moment… But if I’m referencing this cumulative statistic of responsiveness rate or turning towards, one of John Gottman’s research studies around newlyweds looked at married couples six years after their wedding… And the couples who were still together, and I believed satisfied and happy, had turned towards each other about 86% of the time… Where those who were divorced within that same six-year period only turned towards each other 33% of the time.
So again, we’re looking at definitely those higher percentages that contribute towards this bond and this satisfaction and this connection that we invest in on a daily basis.
I’m so appreciative of Dr. Susan Johnson and the Gottman Institute for the research that they contribute to this topic, and in Susan Johnson’s language around turning towards, it’s largely the acronym ARE, which I’ve referred to on this show many times. And that is Available, Responsive and Engaged. So if we’re paying attention and we’re listening to the cues that our significant other is giving to us – again, verbally, non-verbally, big or small – us being available to them, responding to them and engaging with them contributes to that sense of security, that sense of love and connection and lasting intimacy.
So with John Gottman, he’s using the languages of bids. A bid, as I’ve been talking about, is either verbal or non-verbal. Non-verbal might be a big gasp, or sigh. Like if you hear your partner in the room and they’re doing something and you hear them make this big sigh, you could ignore that, or you could say “What’s going on, love?” So there’s some recognition. Or if somebody’s reading the newspaper or something on their phone, and they let out this big belly laugh, and you’re like “Oh, what’s so funny?” There’s some recognition and acknowledgment of what your partner is experiencing.
This can be tricky, because the couple examples that I’m referencing, your significant other may not necessarily even be conscious that they’re trying to get your attention, or looking for positive connection with you… Where other bids might be way more clear and way more specific. For example, “Hey, did you notice that story or event in the news today? What did you think?” Or “How do you like dinner?” Or “Do you wanna go for a walk?” Or “Wanna make love tonight?” These invitations, solicitations, or in John Gottman’s language “bids” can be a request for conversation, intimacy, play, support, or even simply just wanting attention.
Again, bids can be very simple, in that it’s clear whether or not it’s a smile, and just wanting to exchange an affectionate look with one another. Or other times it might be more complex, meaning perhaps we don’t know what our partner is wanting, or noticing a facial expression or body language, and we’re reading it, and perhaps we’re confused, we don’t know what they’re wanting. Or they’re asking something of us that’s a bigger request.
With the more complex bids I wanna encourage to create some freedom here. It’s not about always responding to your partner with a yes, or even the pressure of always knowing what your partner’s asking for. So the freedom here is to either check it out and clarify… “I see you’re making a face. I don’t know what that face means. Can you help me?” Or if it’s a request and perhaps you’re not available, to at least acknowledge the request and perhaps negotiate. For example, I’m working at my desk, and my husband comes up and he asks me “Do you wanna go for a ride?” And this actually happened a couple of days ago. I said yes, but let’s say in this case I’m needing to finish whatever it is that I’m doing. I might have the opportunity to say “Can I have ten minutes? I wanna be able to finish this, and I’ll be at a good stopping point.” Or “I’m so sorry… I have a deadline, I need a couple hours. Can we go later?”
So even though I am asserting my unavailability to his request, I’m still responding to his bid. Because unfortunately, when we ignore and turn away, it can be really painful, and sometimes devastating. And we can also turn against, which is a pushing back. Sometimes that happens when we’re in more of a negative pattern with our significant other. It could be like “What do you want?!” or “Why are you bothering me? I’m at my desk. Can’t you see I’m working?!” or “I’m watching the game… What do you want?!”
Unfortunately, often we can be consumed and absorbed by whatever electronic or device we’re using. Perhaps we’re muttering a response that’s attempting to be a turn towards, but it’s very lukewarm or half-ass, and our partner is not feeling the love.
From the Gottman Institute they actually say turning against leads to conflict, but there’s still an opportunity for engagement, and maybe even repair… Whereas turning away leads to disengagement and disconnect.
The Gottman Institute also says when we miss bids, that it leads to diminished bids, meaning your partner is gonna stop asking, or even might go elsewhere for affection, attention and enjoyment.
As I mentioned, the newlywed research and the divorce rate as it relates to the percentage of turning towards being very low, they’re also saying that breakup is often not a result to conflict and even infidelity for that matter, but it’s more the resentment that’s built up over time and not responding to the bids.
Now that we have an understanding of what is at play in turning towards or responding to a bid, let’s talk a little bit about how. To be honest, if we’re not focused on this, or perhaps don’t know a lot about it, we might do it instinctively… And it’s also possible that you might be out of the habit or even out of the practice of it. There are many client examples that I can pull from where they’ve gotten out of system with this natural process of reciprocity and responding to bids.
A couple that I’ve been working with for just a few sessions are unfortunately currently separated… And one of their dynamics is he over the course of their marriage – and they’ve been together for quite a while – has built a very successful business, and he’s been very driven in pursuing his vision, which is inspired by and in service of his wife and his family. However, in the process, she’s been caretaking for the children, and the home, and has been feeling incredibly lonely and unseen, not valued and not appreciated. And I do believe that there’s clearer cues and bids that she can give him; however, there’s been a real disengagement and disconnect in the way that they respond to each other.
Another couple that I just started working with is also experiencing a disrupt in this reciprocity and responding to each other… And the wife has had some very difficult circumstances over the last several years, and really significantly this year. She lost her mother and has been grieving, and also had an injury that has limited her physical activity where she normally is extremely active, and that’s a big, big part of her life and how her family enjoys their recreation time… So one of the ways that she’s been managing her grief and pain has been to essentially protect and insulate, remove herself and not wanting to be a downer or bring any negativity or negative tone to the relational dynamic. And her husband is longing for her, and missing her, and really afraid that she’s pulling away to protect herself.
So you can see that she has in some ways removed herself so that she can get herself right, which again, I appreciate the intention, and there’s a lot of love there… And even in just one session, the insight and the understanding to this and the importance of it has really started to shift their dynamic. And as you can see, even though the intentions were really benevolent, the impact this has on the bond…
As we look at how to turn towards our partner, I wanna encourage to see and have awareness around the significance of this, and how potent and powerful it is to the health of our relationship. So as we do that, one clear step is simply to pay attention; as you increase your attention to this dynamic, I guarantee your you will find many ways to engage in this responsiveness.
The Gottman Institute talks about women typically make more bids than men. However, in the healthiest relationships, both partners are comfortable making all kinds of bids. The second step is to practice. And again, with any learning curve, we might feel awkward, or a little uncertain, or perhaps even fumble. And just to give permission that that’s quite okay. Because again, the effort is the most important thing. Even if you are saying no to your partner, the fact that you’re responding to is still a turning towards and valuing the request that’s coming towards you. So again, it’s not a pressure of being everything to your significant other, it’s about just giving attention to the requests and the bids that are coming towards you.
For the record, responding to and turning towards your partner does not have to be overly enthusiastic, super-crazy-sweet; it just means having some attunement, awareness to your partner, and responding.
The third step as it relates to how to turn towards your partner I would say is commitment. As we are paying attention to this dynamic of turning towards and bids, the reciprocity at play, and the practice of responding, that as we look at the commitment, the invitation is to look at the long game, recognizing as actually the Gottman Institute talks about, that it builds trust, cultivates emotional connection, increases passion and satisfying sex. So in many ways, this leads towards lasting intimacy.
Lastly, I wanna offer up some very specific ways that you can turn towards your partner, and be responding to their bids, or even perhaps be making your own bids… Again, contributing to this reciprocity of engagement and connection in relationship.
Again, overall, before I give you really specific examples, this really distills down to simply paying attention to your significant other, being attuned to them. And if you’re not attuned, checking it out.
Also, being aware of how you’re responding. Your facial expressions. Are you smiling? Do you have soft eyes? This is so key in how our nervous systems respond to each other, that we’re getting those cues of reciprocity and real safety in the engagement, as well as the tone of voice.
On a side note, just yesterday I interviewed Steven Porges, who created Polyvagal theory. I’m so excited to share that episode with you. However, it will be several weeks, maybe even a couple months, as I have several interviews in the pipeline. But I loved his conversation and what he had to share. It’s so critical in how we are connecting, particularly in relationship. One of the things he was drawing our attention to is our tone of voice, and the power of that. He said “Simply, you can see if you have a pet/dog, how you talk to your dog and how they respond.” If you get in a real low voice and talk… Perhaps some of us have played around with this, be it with our own dor or our friends’ dog – you can say words that are unkind and perhaps really even mean, but if you say it in a very sing-songy, melodic way, the dog wags their tail and they’re more responding to the tone. And if you speak in a way that’s very low, and perhaps have this tone that’s very dry, and not a lot of inflection, your dog might cower a little bit. The same thing is true for humans, and how we respond to each other. If you’re interested in that conversation, stay tuned. I look forward to sharing that with you in the near future.
The other general tip to consider in how you specifically can turn towards is to practice kindness. A while ago I released a three-part series on kindness; as a complement to this episode, I gave access to a free gift; it’s a 25-day challenge of practicing kindness. I’ll make sure to put the link to those episodes and that free gift of the 25-day challenge on today’s show notes episode. Essentially, this 25-day challenge gives you 25 examples of how to practice turning towards and investing in this connection with your significant other.
Some other specific examples of turning towards your partner is perhaps sharing in a longer kiss than normal. The Gottman Institute talks about a six-second kiss; that’s long enough for your body to engage and feel that romance, rather than the habitual routine, perhaps peck, that’s very quick and acknowledging and loving… But perhaps to be able to continue that sensuality. Even a six-second kiss can ignite a lot more passion.
Another example would be simply to turn off the TV and perhaps put your phone down and just be more available to your partner, and engage in conversation. It’s so interesting that when devices are off, even if there’s some silent moments, what can get created out of that. Some of our favorite – my husband and I’s – evenings together are when we’re in the front room where there’s no TV, and we’re on the couch, and we’re just chilling, and we’re being together and then just having conversation that’s very easy, and there’s some silence in between, but it’s just super-relaxing. We get into places that we would normally never get to; it’s just kind of fun to see where we go without any agenda.
This hits on another example, which would be to share in a favorite memory, that when we are just engaging in really relaxed conversations, sometimes we can reminisce about the past, or share in a favorite memory, individually or even as a couple.
Another example would be to walk hand in hand. Now that my husband’s working from home, and I typically work from home, be it that most of my work is virtual, there have been a couple occasions where my husband and I have lunch at the same time, and there’ve been a couple windows – literally just a handful – that we’ve had an extra 5-10 minutes to walk in the neighborhood, just pretty much around along block.
There was one day where I grabbed his hand, and it was so much sweetness and pleasure just to feel the sun shining, and to be hand in hand, and to just feel that connection with him. This literally was fine minutes in a work day, that really added a lot of that positive rapport and connection between us.
Another great specific way to turn towards your partner and cultivating a bond together is to share in an activity, something new together. This has a bonus effect, in that when our brain is engaged in something new, it gives a boost of that dopamine, the feel-good hormone that’s gonna ignite a little more juice in your connection. So it’s not doing what you’ve always done, it’s not the comfortable thing, and there’s nothing wrong with doing comfort activities that are routine. But if we wanna experience something new together, that gives us that boost of dopamine and gives us a new shared experience that we can really feel each other and feel our bond and our engagement and connection within, then I would encourage to try something new. And this could be anything.
And to support you in taking this one step further, I’m going to put on today’s show notes Dr. John Gottman’s list of minor bids for emotional connection. This gives you 14 ways that people bids and what the bids are about. So I encourage you to check that out. It’s a lot of what we’ve talked about today, but just giving you the real specifics around wanting conversation, or affection, or being playful, or adventure, or wanting help de-stressing, and then just a short example of what that could look like. So if you’re wanting to put your mind on this a little bit more, I encourage you to check that out on today’s show notes.
Again, today’s show notes can be found on DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast, and there you can find today’s show notes. Today’s episode, again, is 247, “How to turn towards your partner to strengthen your love.” You’ll find today’s show notes, you’ll also find the link to the kindness three-part podcast series, as well as the download for the free 25-day kindness challenge, which gives you 25 ideas of ways to turn towards your partner and strengthen your bond.
I hope you have enjoyed today’s episode. Until next time, I hope you take great care.
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