Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 263, “How to develop three key qualities of positive masculine leadership”, an interview with GS Youngblood.
Before we get started, I wanna just invite you to take a deep breath in, and a deep breath out. In doing this, we just bring ourselves to this present moment, just grounding ourselves… And I’m going to set the intention for the Empowered Relationship Podcast. That is that the conversations that happen on this show are intended to support you in cultivating long-lasting intimacy. As we grow our skills, we grow our capacity to develop our relationship… And so often, what gets brought up in the way of relationship – challenge, threat, difficulty – is an opportunity for growth, for learning. And if you listened to last week’s podcast episode, sometimes that may even mean setting boundaries, setting limits, and even approaching a threshold of the relationship not working anymore.
Ultimately, the show is about supporting you in feeling better equipped, more prepared to cultivate long-lasting intimacy.
If you would like access to today’s show notes, you can visit DrJessicaHiggins.com and you can click on Podcast there in the top navigation bar. Again, today’s episode is 263, “How to develop three key qualities of positive masculine leadership”, an interview with GS Youngblood.
His teachings combine deep embodiment work with the framework of the masculine blueprint from his book, “The masculine in relationship.” In his past life, GS was a high-tech executive in sales and marketing for 16 years, including founding and selling a company. The leadership practices of Silicon Valley, based on clarity and inspiration rather than control are a major influence on the model of masculine leadership he shares with his clients.
I wanna also say that in this episode he is referencing the masculine energy, as well as how it relates to the feminine energy, and I just wanna be inclusive here in this conversation, in that this can apply to all relationships. And we do mention this in the episode.
I also wanna say, as I listened to this episode, I really think these principles can apply to either energy – masculine or feminine; they are really important just relationship concepts in general.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: GS, thank you for joining us today.
GS Youngblood: My pleasure, Jessica. Thanks for having me on.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes… And as I was just mentioning, I have a few clients that have been revisiting the book “No more Mr. Nice Guy”, and just really grappling with feeling as thought that being a nice guy doesn’t serve them, and perhaps some codependency, but also being with really strong women… And just really contemplating what’s all at play. This is something you really work with directly… Is that my understanding?
GS Youngblood: Yeah, absolutely. The book to which you refer – great book; it’s a classic. The author, Dr. Robert Glober, really pins down this notion of a nice guy; they’re very accommodating to other people, and they use that as a technique to get their needs met, as opposed to coming straight out with them.
The thing about the nice guys is underneath they’re seething that they’ve given up their own needs, even if it’s that sort of subconscious resentment. So where his book does a great job of talking about the phenomenon and really painting that picture, mine goes a little further and talks about what can men do to get out of that nice guy energy and a little bit more into their masculine core. The book is about a three-part blueprint to do just that.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: One client that was mentioning this book – he was reflecting on his life and how many strong women, and even teachers, and mentors, or various influences in his life, but really feeling a lack of the masculine, a really positive, healthy masculinity… And just really longing to have more modeling around that. Is that part of what you’re referring to when you talk about leading from a masculine core?
GS Youngblood: Yeah, you hit it on the head – a lot of men, many men don’t have a good model for what masculinity looks like… And unfortunately, what they get fed is sort of the masculine bashing that has seeped into popular culture now. The pendulum has really swung far the other way. Now, we all understand why – for thousands of years there was male misogyny and domineering, and that had a really negative impact; so let’s all acknowledge that. And as we try to grapple with that – and I think society is well on our way to being in the thick of grappling with that – the pendulum has swung, and so guys are really backing off, and they’re waiting/deferring/abdicating any kind of leadership, because they’re afraid either to be accused of being a misogynist, or of disappointing their woman, and in some way losing love, losing approval, losing validation… It’s usually what’s underneath of this nice guy behavior…
So that’s where I’m trying to bring the men a model, a template for how you can embody these masculine qualities, this masculine energy, and I really try to boil it down into this blueprint that I mentioned before.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: And would the blueprint describe what masculine leadership is? Or do you have another way to frame that?
GS Youngblood: No, this is the way to frame it; the blueprint does do that. And it’s a three-part blueprint. The first element is Respond vs. React. This is the quality of a man who’s — he’s got a groundedness to him; a certain stillness about his way of being. And he chooses how he acts in any given situation. He takes in the world and its inputs and stimuli, and then chooses how he’ll respond to those. So that’s the first element.
The second is Provide Structure. This is that quality of clarity, knowing what you want, and then really being able to bring clarity to those around you and the world around you. You become an organizing force for the world around you… Whether that’s being decisive, or just helping decisions get made within the relationship, and driving towards a decision, even if it’s a joint effort… Or other ways of providing structure for how you will do things in the relationship. So that’s element two.
And then element three is probably the most important – create safety. This refers to physical, financial, emotional safety. Probably one of the top things that determines whether a woman opens to you is whether she feels trust in you and feels safe around you, particularly emotionally safe. So I talk about all the ways that we men make our women feel unsafe, and then ways that we can really make her feel more emotionally safe.
So that’s the blueprint, and my contention – this is what I’m offering to the world – is a man who embodies these three qualities will be in his masculine energy, will be living from his masculine core, and bringing leadership to his relationship.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: And probably out in the world in various capacities, depending on what aspect of his life he’s engaging in.
GS Youngblood: Yeah, there’s definitely a spillover effect into other parts of his life that aren’t necessarily just his intimate relationship, for sure.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: And would you be willing to walk us through an example of each blueprint of what perhaps being really grounded looks like, but also what it doesn’t look like? Perhaps men that are listening, that find themselves in the nice guy role, or have difficulty with reacting, and not being as grounded, and then also the lack of clarity, and perhaps the lack of safety. Can you help people with what it isn’t, and some examples of what it is?
GS Youngblood: I can. A very simple example – let’s start with the first element, Respond vs. React. So if your woman comes to you and she’s got a complaint about something you’ve done, a reactive man will immediately get defensive, he’ll try to explain or defend himself; he may get what we affectionately call butthurt if she’s a little edgy about it, and he would withdraw and kind of give her the cold shoulder, or just say “I can’t talk to you right now, until you calm down.” These are all ways of being reactive… And reacting to something that she’s bringing to the table, which might be a little difficult for him to hear.
A man who’s more in his responsive energy is able to stay grounded, to hold space for what she has, to be present while she expresses whatever it is she has to express, and then, as he takes it in, from that place he can choose how to react. Now, he might respond with empathy, or he might respond with curiosity. He may not actually understand. He may decide to respond with a boundary; if maybe something that she said is really out of bounds and uncalled for, he might set a boundary. But in all of those cases, he’s making that choice, rather than just his wounds making the choice for him, and the reactivity kind of putting him on autopilot. So that’s an example of what the element does and does not look like in a relationship.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Absolutely. And as we’re talking, I try to be really inclusive, and I know we’re talking about energy of masculinity… Do you ever find that perhaps in a same-sex marriage or same-sex partnership, perhaps in this case two women, maybe one — I believe both heterosexual or however you identify, we lead with certain energies, and I’m just wondering, is this inclusive, or do you find that this is really more specific to heterosexual couples, a man and a woman?
GS Youngblood: We’re talking about energies here, and even though I give gender references, that’s for simplicity, so I can talk about it… And also just for my core audience. You can be any sexual orientation or disposition, this is going to apply. Same-sex marriage or relationship – you typically still have somebody in the masculine pole and somebody in the feminine. I always invite readers and listeners to just take the principles and adapt them to your life and your situation.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Thank you. And on a sidenote, I wanna get back to the blueprint and go to your second blueprint… But before we do that, as we’re talking and we’re referencing gender, you mentioned that nice guys – there’s a dynamic in relationship and choosing a strong woman; perhaps that strong woman might be running more of that masculinity during the day… Perhaps also craving more of the femininity at home, but sometimes that’s difficult to transition… Can you speak to that at all, around what you’re seeing in your framework?
GS Youngblood: Well, part of the book and the reference to strong women — and I do wanna say, the subtitle of the book is “A blueprint for inspiring the trust, lust and devotion of a strong woman.” So this was specifically targeted at guys who are with capable women. And the inside joke is that pretty much most women are strong and capable… So it’s a bit of a tongue-in-cheek, because it applies to nearly all men. But I saw so many guys – good men, really good men, but they just didn’t know how to step into the leadership role. It seemed like their woman was always a step ahead in some way; always had a little bit stronger opinion. So they were just like “I wanna be more in my power, and I actually don’t know how.”
So this was really my attempt to give them something to manifest in their life, because I was seeing this coupling of good intentioned men who didn’t know what to do with really capable women, who were getting increasingly more irritated that their men wasn’t stepping into the relationship, wasn’t stepping up in the relationship. Does that make sense?
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yeah, absolutely. I have a few clients that come to mind, and I can hear the voice of the woman saying “Just tell me what you want, or tell me what you need.” Or just the other day, she was like “Just ask for sex. I can feel it, but you won’t take a risk and just say it.” Or that there’s a lot of challenge that’s going on. And then fast-forward, the cumulative effect of that, like you’re saying, can be irritation, because they’re wanting that interaction and that engagement, but not wanting perhaps to do the work for the man, in this case.
GS Youngblood: Yeah, for a lot of women it’s uninspiring, and it gets increasingly so over time. And I’ve got some clients where the man is not yet stepping up, and a lot of these clients – I’ll just say it, their women are starting to get downright mean; not because those women are bad people, it’s because they’re in pain. They’re in pain because they’re having to lead so much in their own life, and then in the couple life, that they just can never relax, relax into his leadership, and let him take the reins for a little bit, so that she can relax. So they get increasingly irritable, and mean, and edgy at times, and then the guy gets even more hurt, and shrinks more in the world, and it’s unfortunately a vicious cycle that happens… And I try to help these guys see how they can unlock this Gordian Knot that they’ve gotten themselves into.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes… Because I do think there’s truth to the polarity, and however that is as far as gender and who’s taking what role at what point, but that polarity can be really fulfilling to have that, whether or not it’s erotic, and the passion in lovemaking, or if it’s who’s leading… So we’re not like jockeying for a position.
Okay, so before we continue, I’m curious, GS, if you can give us some landscape around where are men getting stuck? You mentioned anxiety, but what are you seeing that’s preventing the access to these blueprints? Where are they getting stuck, what’s the barrier?
GS Youngblood: Like what are the behaviors they find themselves tripping over? Is that the question?
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Well, so you were saying just a moment ago that women perhaps will increasingly get irritated, and then even get louder, and that it’s coming from pain… And one way of saying that too is it’s a protest, like “Where are you? I need you, I want you”, but that underlying message isn’t being conveyed. It’s through yelling, or irritation, or criticism. Well, what is preventing, in your mind, men being able to access this? Is it fear, is it anxiety? What are you seeing?
GS Youngblood: One word – anxiety. My contention is that all of these men’s non-masculine behaviors are rooted in anxiety body-mind’s desire to make that anxiety go away. So a man who’s woman maybe challenges him on something, and that brings anxiety up because he’s afraid of contradicting her, and causing a fight, and then it spirals down, and then she’ll get upset and reject him… So that anxiety starts to rise in him. At all costs, his body and mind wants that anxiety to stop, so what does he do? He gives in. He’s like “Okay. Yeah, you’re right. Sorry.” And just collapses and gives in to whatever she wants.
Now, there might be situations where she did have a more appropriate view, but I’m talking about guys really just giving up their needs and saying “Fine, whatever.” And that’s just collapse. That was his subconscious attempt to make the anxiety stop, because he thinks “Okay, I’ll just give her what she wants, so this fight can be over.” Unfortunately, that makes things worse, as you would imagine, Jessica… Because over time, she just really grows tired of him giving in all the time, and really not standing up for what he needs, what he wants, not being clear about it… So that’s the number one thing that holds men back. In the book, I literally go through — I have a whole table to the non-masculine behavior that you see from the outside, and then I trace it back all the way to anxiety, and each time, it all lands in the same place.
So that’s the essential theme of the book… And in my coaching, one of the number one things that I say is “We’re gonna work on embodiment, and getting you more into body and starting to settle in your nervous system, because that’s gonna bring down your anxiety and your reactivity.” That is the thing we work on the most in my coaching practice.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: And what would be, if you’re open to sharing, an example of helping a man be more embodied?
GS Youngblood: Well, I’ve got a whole series of embodiment practices that I take them through, that I do in every coaching session… As well as I encourage them to have a daily practice. It’s a combination of movement, breathing, visualization and some other techniques that I’ve developed to very specifically get the men into their bodies.
And then the hope is that they take that state of being into interrelating. If I can just pretend that you and I are in a conversation, and maybe it’s heated, if I can take these embodiment practices into the real world, I can be arguing with you, “I can feel my feet on the ground. I can feel the expansion and contraction of my breath”, and that actually gets me out of that emergency mind that so many of us go into when we’re in conflict. That’s really the number one thing, is that anxiety in our body and this desire to make it stop.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: And as you’re describing this, I’m also recognizing that culturally, socialization, there is something to be said around the messaging of being strong, and not being needy… And that if you’re helping a man really anchor and ground and feel himself – and it’s really perhaps witnessing too that I do feel anxious, or I do feel threatened, and that’s okay… Instead of trying to be stronger than that threat, which doesn’t work. Do you find that that’s something that men have to work with at all, around whatever messaging around not being vulnerable or needy?
GS Youngblood: Jessica, will you clarify the question?
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yeah, so I guess I have a belief that many men are socialized to be strong, not be vulnerable, not cry and have emotion, or even be scared… So if one of the things you’re saying is anxiety or threat is often at the root of some of this reactivity, and if you’re helping a man get more embodied, there’s some ownership or some acknowledgment there that “I do have anxiety, and can I work with that?”
GS Youngblood: Yeah, this is such a common problem, and I think probably every woman listening to the podcast is nodding their head yes right now… Yeah, getting guys to be more vulnerable is one of the primary things we work on after we get their nervous system settled. Really speaking their own truth… And a lot of guys have the impression that sharing their emotions makes them look weak. And of course, every one of their women would say “No, it makes you look stronger in my eyes.” So I try to teach them a very masculine way of owning their emotions… And I think there very much is — there’s very much a non-masculine way, and there’s very much a masculine way to do that. So that’s one of the primary things that I’m teaching the men, is really how to get in touch with those emotions, and just speak them in a way that’s actually very powerful.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Okay, so you’re taking it one step further, and I love that. I guess to clarify my question a little bit more concisely – do you find that men resist even acknowledging that they have anxiety or feel threatened?
GS Youngblood: Yeah, but they resist unconsciously often. They don’t even know that they’re so shut down, most of the time.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Right. Okay. So do you find that this embodiment really helps them start to engage — and I just wonder, GS, if there’s a learning curve to this, and helping it feel safe for a man to approach even? That it’s not binary, of like you flip a switch and now you’re embodied and leading from your masculine core… Can you help me?
GS Youngblood: I wish… I’d bottle that up if I could, but…
Dr. Jessica Higgins: I know…
GS Youngblood: Yeah, you hit it on the head – this is a process. It took me years to get to where I am today, and hopefully I can accelerate men on that path… But it takes a long time. But I’ll say that my clients who stay with me for multiple months, after a few months they’re like “I don’t know how this is happening, but I’m just feeling a little more grounded.” And those are the ones that stick with the embodiment practices.
So it’s a process and you’ve gotta stick with it. Usually, these things that we’re unwinding built up over decades, so you definitely don’t get rid of it very quickly.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes. So you’re of a certain age and you’ve learned through life experience, and you’ve coped and adapted and have certain tendencies to get through that. But if we’re gonna rewire that and repattern that, it’s a possibly gonna take a little time to shift that.
GS Youngblood: Yeah, absolutely.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Okay, great. Well, let’s go back to the blueprint… And with clarity, what does it not look like? I think we can all probably generate some examples, but I’d love to hear from you… And then can you give us an example of what it does look like?
GS Youngblood: Yeah. So the element is provide structure. The most obvious example – I’ll just say it, just to make it over-the-top obvious – is “Where do you wanna eat tonight?” Maybe she asks him “Hey, where do you wanna eat tonight?” and his response is “I don’t know. Whatever you want.” And while this is a small example and it doesn’t have big implications if a man isn’t decisive about it, it’s indicative of a larger problem… Because at some point, most women are wanting to feel “Where are you in this?”, whatever it is. Especially when the stakes get much higher. “What do you want? What do you need?”
An example – I can remember many years ago the woman I was in a relationship with at the time wanted me to pick her up from an appointment across town… And normally, I’d be giving enough to be open to it, but I was really overloaded at work. But way back then, I didn’t have a sense of myself, so I didn’t get clear that I actually wasn’t available that night… So I said “Yes, sure. I’ll do it.” And I kind of had that hangdog energy about me… And I picked her up and I had resentment. And I wasn’t clear on what I wanted.
So before I coach men into providing direction in their relationship, I actually really coach them on getting in touch with what they want. So going back to our simple example, I say “The next time you’re thinking about dinner, don’t ask her where she wants to go at first. I want you to sit quietly on the couch, and think what would taste good to you.” And you’d be amazed, Jessica, at the number of men who actually are challenged by that, to sit down and think “Okay, what do I want, actually?” and then to declare it. It’s a muscle that has been so atrophied in so many men… So even starting small like this is a big deal.
So then you go to your woman instead and say “Baby, let’s get some dinner tonight… And I would love either Japanese, or that new Mexican place.” And then here’s the magic sentence that you add on top – “How does that land for you?” Because what you’re doing – the first part of that is you’re creating some clarity around what you want, and then you’re offering some direction for the two of you, and then you’re including her. You’re not just saying “This is what I wanna do, and dang it, we’re doing that.” You’re including her in that. “So how does that land for you?”
And she might say “Cool. Mexican sounds great.” Or she might say “Well, you know, neither of those sound good. I really wanted to go to the Thai place.” And then he can dance with that and see how he wants to respond… But he created his own clarity, and then he offered that in the form of some direction to kind of narrow down the uncertainty of the whole thing. And that’s a great example — a really mild and trivial, but very important first step in providing structure.
Now, he could take that a little bit further if he wants to get a little edgy… I give this example all the time – it’s Friday night and he could say “Baby, I’m taking you out on Friday night. Be ready at seven, wear the red dress that you know I like, and I’m gonna take you out.” And he doesn’t even tell her where they’re going… He could take it to that extreme, where he wants to get a little edgier, or he could back it off to the part where he’s not making the decision, he’s just simplifying the decision and offering up some direction, and then including her in that process.
So these are all really mild examples of Provide Structure that I teach men. Now, I’m gonna pause there for a second… I can give more complex examples if you’d like, but I’ll pause for a second there.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: I’m appreciating the progression, because I do believe that if we can experience it inside of our body, and emotionally, and have that experience in relationship, then we can build on that. I wouldn’t always start with on a scale from one to ten the hardest thing, like a nine… So I do think that these smaller examples, like you’re saying, while it might not sound that significant, it actually helps build some iteration and get practice, so that you can build the muscles.
GS Youngblood: Yeah, it does. I had a client this morning, and they were having a little tiff… She was upset about something, and he wanted to engage her on it… But she just sort of was buzzing around, doing the dishes, and really wouldn’t make eye contact with him, for whatever reason… So he was feeling like an awkward way to be interacting on a specific topic. And when I coached him, I said “Hey, I know this is a trivial example, but you’ve gotta provide some structure here.” What that would look like is “Baby, let’s just pause for a second on the groceries, because I really wanna feel connected to you while we have this discussion. So come over here and sit down and let’s work this out.”
So that’s him providing a little bit of structure, even in this micro-moment, of just how they were going to have this conversation. There’s a million examples like that, but that’s one smaller one that goes beyond just the “Where do we eat?”
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Thank you. Okay, and how about the third blueprint, of Safety…?
GS Youngblood: Yeah, Create Safety. So most of the challenging behavior that I see out of women, whether they be my clients’ partners, or people that I might be in relationship with, usually comes when she doesn’t feel trusting, when she doesn’t feel led, and when she doesn’t feel safe. Safety and trust are so paramount. And of course you know that, given the line of business that you are in, and I think a lot of women know that, but I think men tend to lose touch with that.
So they see this behavior from the woman that’s very irritable, and edgy, and they’re like “Whoa… What just happened?” And so they apply the c-word, which is “crazy”, because that’s the only label for them that can make any sense out of this behavior. And what I try to do is reel them back from the “crazy” label, because it doesn’t help, it’s very dismissive, and it often makes women feel — well, it makes them feel crazy to be called crazy. And I try and get them to understand what’s underneath. When she’s having this outsized reaction that seems to come out of the blue, it’s almost always a trust and safety issue. So you’ve gotta really look deeper of where is she not feeling safe, where is she not feeling heard and received, where have you let her down… If you follow those breadcrumbs, it’s usually one of those things.
And those behaviors don’t always make sense, and I try to coach the men like – they don’t have to actually make sense. What you have to do is you have to get her to the point where she [unintelligible 00:29:19.29] felt and received and heard and understood in whatever pain she’s having. Because that’s what it is – when she feels a lack of trust or a lack of safety, she’s in pain.
So if you can meet her in that place and somehow bring empathy or validation, or just recognition of the pain that she’s in, that tends to make her feel safer, and that tends to make that behavior that men would say “Oh, crazy”, if done skillfully, tends to make it actually dissipate as quickly as it came on, quite frankly.
So this is a lot of work that I’m doing with men, is helping them understand what’s going on underneath, and understand that it’s not crazy; there’s actually a reason for it… But you have to exist at a different level, at an emotional level, not at an information level, which is where most guys exist.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: And I can see how these blueprints work together, because if he doesn’t have his ground and perhaps feels himself reacting, there might be some techniques, whether or not it’s the embodiment, or setting some limits around “Can you please lower your voice? I really wanna hear you…” or “I find myself reacting to the volume… Can we try to soften it, “Hey, let’s take a walk and let’s really talk about this”, whatever it is around preventing that structure, but also getting into the response versus react will allow a man to really listen… Because I find sometimes when that name-call of “crazy”, it’s like “I need you to stop what you’re doing, or not be behaving in that way, so I can feel better.” But if there’s a sense of agency, and you’re giving them a lot of blueprint around how to have that agency, then you can really lead and really get at the crux and create connection through the safety and listening and empathizing, if that’s available.
GS Youngblood: Yeah, absolutely. The guys have to have their nervous systems settled, so they can receive your pain. And if I’m available to receive, and feel, and understand your pain, that’s gonna calm things down really quickly, and then we can start reconnecting and start relating.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: I’m just curious, from your experience, GS, do you find the learning curve that men might have some success, and then as the stakes get higher, that it’s like any learning curve, we fumble a little bit and we learn what didn’t work about that, and then kind of integrating the new learning? Do you find that it’s just a process and a practice?
GS Youngblood: [laughs] Yeah, it is… It’s tough for these guys. And my most fun guys, they usually go from — they show up clueless; and I don’t mean that negatively, but they kind of are, at least in this realm… Because they’re just like “I don’t know what to do. Your book really spoke to me, so help me here.” So they go from that clueless stage, to like “Oh, yeah!!”, really hopeful, and then they get demolished a couple of times, and then they stick with it, with my encouragement, and then things slowly begin to change, both within them and between them. And part of it is – there’s a dynamic here that when women are in pain, and then it happens over time, that pain starts to build up with them, so when the guy actually starts to be present for her pain and be open to it and invite it out, he gets hit with a double-shot blast, because all the pain that had built up starts to discharge.
So she pushes back on him to really see if he really means it… And that’s when guys give up. They’re like, “Oh, this shit doesn’t work.” But if you keep at it, that pain starts to get discharged, and then in a lot of cases she starts to get more receptive to it. But you’ve gotta get through that initial testing.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes. So helpful to just have your vantage point on that… Because when you were talking about the example of dinner, an example popped into my mind around – so a married couple, and the wife is challenging the husband about his parents, and perhaps how he’s not setting limits or boundaries with his family, and she’s putting pressure on him to put boundaries for their immediate family. Do you understand the dynamic I’m saying?
GS Youngblood: I absolutely do. Let’s put some color to the story. Let’s say she’s now being really intense with him, and really edgy and mean. I actually had one just like this this morning… What I coached them in is what I said earlier – when she seems the most irrational, it’s because she’s probably scared or in pain. So the man, instead of saying “My parents are fine” or “I set boundaries!”, trying to go to the defensive, sort of combative explanation of things… He needs to see “Wait a minute… Okay, red flag. She’s being a little intense with me. She must be in pain, or in fear, or something like that”, and his attention needs to go to that, and be like “You know what – we can talk about my parents, but baby, what’s going on? I can see that this is really intense for you. So talk to me. And then we’ll talk about my parents.” Something like that. I may not have nailed it, because I’d wanna feel into the situation, but even if it’s just my words are describing more of his attention and energy — the attention goes to her pain, not to the blame. And that’s one of my quotes in my book. “Hear the pain, not the blame.”
If I could say one thing to the man, it might be this. Of course, I’ll say that about ten different things, that they’re all the one thing, but this is a huge one, because it’s where most men get tripped up. They hear the blame, and they almost feel forced to defend themselves.
If you can be like a [unintelligible 00:35:13.16] – this is how I coach my guys – just step to the side and let that fireball go on by you, and then tune into her pain, not the blame that she lobs at you.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: It’s so good. I love that. I’m a fan of Aikido, so it so represents — I’ve not heard that metaphor before, but it’s perfect… Let that fire and that intensity go past you and still stay connected. You have to be attuned and present to the ball. You don’t wanna turn your back, but you also don’t wanna absorb it all.
GS Youngblood: Right. And this is what women are craving from the men. Craving. [unintelligible 00:35:46.18] those fireballs.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes… Because I think — where I was going with the example is she’s challenging him that like “You’re people-pleasing with your parents. I need you to be strong and set structure with your parents, and you’re not”, but then he’s pleasing everybody, and really stuck, so… I love–
GS Youngblood: Well, I’d just wanna pick up on that, because I love what you’ve said. There’s two elements probably going on. She feels kind of the privacy of the family a little intruded upon, so I think that’s where she starts to feel unsafe… And then she feels the disappointment in what you’ve just said, which is like “Hey dude, can you step up with some backbone and stand up to your own parents? Because it’s very disappointing to me when you don’t.” So there’s two layers going on there that are gonna put a lot of women into a frenzy, and understandably so.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: And GS, you had said earlier – and I so agree with this – that it’s super-attractive to see a man in his heart… And if a man is practicing these blueprints, at which stage – or is it all of them that he’s really connected to his heart?
GS Youngblood: It’s hard to just put it into one category; obviously, we both know these things are interconnected. But I’d put into Create Safety, because I think a man in his heart is something that creates a lot of feelings of safety and trust. If a woman that I’m in relationship with comes at me and I’m in my head, I’m defensive, she’s gonna feel utterly alone in her pain, because I’m not receiving it. Whereas if I’m in my heart, I’m way more likely to receive her pain and [unintelligible 00:37:28.19] In fact, it’s one of the most counter-intuitive things in men’s work. You think being in your heart is gonna make you a sort of new-age, wimpy guy. It’s actually one of the most powerful things, at least the way that I’m talking about it. For a man to be into his heart – it’s the number one thing that can make you less reactive and can make you solid as a rock, when you exist in your heart.
And you can still be powerful, you can still set boundaries, all of these things, but you’re in your heart. And I think the easiest analogy – it’s just tough love parenting. You love the kids, but you’re in charge; so you can be both powerful and very loving and caring at the same time, and that’s really — I mean, so many of the exercises I do with my clients are around getting more into their heart and then responding from that way.
And Jessica, I’ll just say – I learned that the hard way in relationship, so I know what I’m talking. I’ve been in that whole journey, from not being in my heart and being a lot in my head, and having that really ruin and impact a relationship that I had… And I learned the hard way that being in your heart is a much more powerful, connecting way to exist in relationship.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Thank you for sharing. I love hearing the personal part of it. So one last question here about the vulnerability… Do you feel like a man being in his heart and even maybe being vulnerable about his emotional experience can really co-exist with the blueprint and the way that you’re describing it? It sounds like yes…
GS Youngblood: Absolutely. It’s part and parcel of this. I wanna teach men — we didn’t really get to this, but I wanna teach them the light energy, the loving, heartful-based, caring, emotionally-attuned part of them, with the dark energies, which is a little bit more of the power dynamics, and taking charge, and bringing — even to the bedroom, there’s a whole chapter (chapter 13) on sexual leadership, and bringing more leadership to the bedroom. This is a topic – I’ll talk about it at the end, but this is a topic I’m keenly interested in and have an offering around this; dark and light energy.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Well, let’s go there now. I know we’re getting close to the end of our time, so I’d love to hear…
GS Youngblood: Well, about that particular one of the offerings that I have is a dark energy workshop. And I consistently hear from both men and women that they want the man to learn how to get into their darker energies more. It’s the opposite of that nice guy energy. And the women are craving for it from their men, and the men badly want to, so I get this feedback all the time from people… And I have a waiting list going right now for the workshop that I’m going to start up as soon as Covid stabilizes a little bit… So please visit the website and check out — at least get on the waiting list and the mailing list so you can hear about it…
What I’m discovering is a very, very fertile topic for so many men, of really helping them get into their dark energy… And then marry it with the light energy. And that combination, of dark and light energy – I think most women would tell you that is really attractive. That’s the combination they want. Because too much dark energy is just misogynistic, alpha nonsense. Too much light energy is new age nice guy. Neither of those wear well. I mean, each can be fun for a little while, but they don’t wear well. A man who can successfully weave those together – that is uniquely attractive.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Great. So you’re really recognizing just the combination and how potent and powerful it is to really having sustained, lasting transformation, and not only the man, but the relationship dynamics and sexual dynamics.
GS Youngblood: Right.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Okay. I didn’t know if you wanted to say more about the sexual part. Is there anything else you wanna speak on before we —
GS Youngblood: What I would say – and I could go on and on, so I’ll just be brief… Too many men are complaining about not having enough sex, and those same men are sitting around, waiting for her to feel sexual, and often to be the one to initiate. And what I say to men is “Well, that’s not a great mode to be in, and you can actually bring leadership to the bedroom as well. You can lead her to her pleasure.”
Now, it’s always an invitation, because she has to organically open to it and make that choice, but you can lead her to that, and chapter 13 is all about that sexual leadership, creating the conditions to allow her turn-on to emerge… And often that means cleaning up any of the kinks in the connection between the two of you. Every woman on the planet knows that the key to her body opening is having her heart open, and heart connection with a man, typically… So cleaning up the heart connection first is one of the big ones. But then I go through a whole progression of conditions you can create, that create this container in which her sexuality can flourish.
I can go on and on about this, but it’s you bringing that leadership to the bedroom. Stop sitting around and waiting. That’s what I say to these guys – stop waiting and start leading her into her arousal, her physical openness and hear pleasure.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: I know… I think John Gottman cites some research that 70% of people in relationship are tracking and watching cues to non-verbally discern if they’re open to sex. So there’s nothing explicit really being said or done… It’s just kind of like safely, kind of looking back and like “Are they open or not?” But it’s not what you’re describing.
GS Youngblood: Yeah, it’s like, they’re waiting. While they’re watching, which is what you said, they’re waiting, unfortunately. I’m saying step into this boldly. You don’t have to jump her, that’s not what we’re talking about here… But we’re talking about “What can I do to open her up?” And there’s a progression I lay out in the book.
Guys, you can lead your woman into sexual openness… So be an active participant here. But you have to be a skillful one. You can not be unskillful, because that’ll have the opposite effect.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Wonderful. Okay, well you’ve talked really about your book today, and I’ll make sure to have the link on today’s show notes… But do you wanna say anything about the book, or anything also about your offerings and how people can get in touch with what you’re up to?
GS Youngblood: Yeah, thank you. I’d love to. So the easiest way to access me is to go to the website, check out a few things, and please do sign up for the mailing list, so you get announcements, you get articles… Maybe an even better way is to go to my YouTube site, because then you can see some short videos of me talking about various topics.
I’m about to release an online course around embodiment, I’m about to release a deeper study course online, and then I’ve started the waiting list for the Dark Energy Workshop. So those are three ways that you can access me. And then of course, I do both 101 and group coaching, and you can check that out on the website and see what that’s all about.
So those are the main ways… And then on Instagram, which is my main social presence – it’s @gsyoungbloodmir. On Facebook – it has the same content, so it’s /gsyoungblood1. And then the final thing I’ll say is on Facebook there is a men’s discussion group called The Masculine In Relationship. So for the men, if you wanna get on that and join in the discussion… Other guys will answer, I’ll answer questions, and just have a group discussion about things.
Those are the ways that I’ve put myself out there in the world…
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes, I love the wealth of different ways to access. I can think of a couple people that I’ll make sure to refer to you and send your way, because I do think this is such an important contribution and conversation, and really important for everyone to be considering. I think it affects us all. I think healthy masculinity is just — I mean, just as healthy femininity is, but… It impacts everyone.
GS Youngblood: It does. And especially if you’re talking about a family, Jessica, and how the kids are impacted… And I say this all the time, I wanna keep families together. Having been through that with my own family, and the breaking up of marriage way back when – I don’t want any other kids to have to sit down and have that talk with their parents, that mommy and daddy are splitting up. So I’m really inspired to do this work and help men improve their relationships.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Well, I’ll make sure to have these links that you’ve mentioned in today’s show notes, and I trust that people will be watching your videos, engaging with you in coaching, and maybe getting on your waiting list… And again, thank you for what you’re doing in the world.
GS Youngblood: Yeah, thanks for having me on, Jessica. That was a lot of fun.
I hope you have enjoyed today’s interview, again, with GS Youngblood. If you would like access to today’s show notes, you can visit DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast, and you can find, again, today’s episode, 263, “How to develop three key qualities of positive masculine leadership.”
In today’s interview GS does reference how it can be easy for one partner to get frustrated and perhaps escalate in resentment and even criticism, and potentially calling out or even attacking a partner. And I wanna offer you a free guide, “Shifting criticism into connected communication.” This guide gives you an opportunity to work with the deeper request, the deeper longing that often we don’t lead with, and how we can shift critical language into this more authentic request that really does help inspire your partner to help.
And if you get access to this free guide, you’ll be getting a series of emails that gives more information, more understanding of what’s at play in this difficult dynamic of criticism and defensiveness. You’ll also have an opportunity to engage in a course that really goes a lot deeper into the deeper core, emotional challenges that are going on where we’re experiencing an upset, or perhaps our partner isn’t responding to us in a way that we’re really looking… And the things that influence that. So there’s a lot there, and you can look more into that in those emails. Again, you can find this in today’s show notes, and today’s episode is 263.
Thank you for listening, and until next time, I hope you take great care.
0 Comments