Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 264, “How to increase your emotional intelligence in relationship”, an interview with Robin Hills.
Before we get started, I wanna invite you to take a deep breath in, and a deep breath out. And I invite this to just bring you more into this present moment. It’s so common for us to be so outwardly focused; our to-do list, our work, whatever it is that we’re engaged with… And these conversations are really inviting you to look inwards, and perhaps look at how you show up in relationship. So just taking that moment of pause to come more back into center and help you access yourself more deeply.
And I typically like to set the intention of the Empowered Relationship podcast, and really, the intention is to help support you to have access to relational principles, research, theory, understandings for you to contemplate as you consider your relationship dynamics, and inviting you into a conversation of growth. And that perhaps you may be able to recognize some of the difficulty, hardship, even threat that you may experience is a calling; is an invitation for you to develop yourself, to grow yourself. And as you do that, you also grow the capacity of deepening your intimacy, deepening your connection and your bond with your significant other… All with the ultimate goal of fostering long-lasting intimacy, and really helping you feel better-equipped, more prepared in navigating the landscape of long-term intimacy, knowing that there will be ups and downs, and really helping you feel, again, more supported in that journey.
If you would like access to today’s show notes, you can visit DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast, and there you’ll find today’s episode. Again, today’s episode is 264, “How to increase your emotional intelligence in relationship”, an interview with Robin Hills.
Robin is the director of Ei4Change, a company specialized in emotional intelligence, positive psychology and neuroscience. He has taught more than 100,000 students how to build resilience, increased self-awareness and understanding of others. His programs are today used in educational establishments in South Africa and India. He is the author of two books and has developed the experiential coaching methodology: Images of Resilience, and sits on the North West Committee of the Association of Business Psychology.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Robin, thank you for joining us today.
Robin Hills: My pleasure, Jessica.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: I love this topic – I think it is incredibly important –Â around emotional intelligence. I know that you work in many different sectors and supporting people around emotional intelligence, including business… And obviously, for today’s conversation, we’re focusing on intimate relationship. But just for the wider frame of where you’re coming from and your perspective, what got you interested in looking at emotional intelligence?
Robin Hills: Well, if I can take you back 25, even 30 years ago, I was working as a very young man in [unintelligible 00:04:10.19] working as a salesman. I was selling medications anti-infectives, anti-ulcer drugs, anti-arrhythmic drugs… And I’ve found that when I was engaging with some of the senior clinicians, some were very, very willing and able to give me the time to have a proper conversation, and some weren’t. Now, it was completely irrespective of the job that they were performing, or the specialty that they were working in, or indeed even the hospital that they were working in… And I didn’t know what it was. And it was only a few years later when I moved on to a couple of leadership roles that I read an article on Daniel Goleman’s work on emotional intelligence… And this was when it was starting to come into the public consciousness. And I thought, “You know, that is the missing link. That’s what’s missing. It’s the person’s emotional intelligence that leads them to develop relationships in a different way, and engage with people in a different way, and manage stress in different ways, and manage stress in different ways.” It’s not down to their cognitive intelligence, because these people are supposed to be very intelligent… But some of them are not as intelligent as they could be. And the reason why is that they just were not emotionally intelligent.
So as a leader, as a manager, I looked to developing these skills in myself, and it’s a lifelong journey. So I’m still learning, and I’ve still got a lot to learn.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: I love the acknowledgment that this is just a continual development and a continual practice that we’re all in, and perhaps at different phases. So for people listening – I’m sure the average person has a general sense of emotional intelligence, and I know you’re gonna give us a lot more information today… But just as we start, is there like a story or an example that you can help illustrate what emotional intelligence looks like in action, versus perhaps not?
Robin Hills: Yes, I suppose at times we can all become very emotionally intelligent, where we’re managing our emotions particularly well, and there are other times when we don’t manage our emotions particularly well. I don’t manage my emotions particularly well when I’m tired, when I’m hungry, or when I’m stressed. My wife knows this, yet it doesn’t seem to have any impact on her emotional intelligence, and between us, we can wind each other up quite dramatically… And if I get annoyed and angry with her, she often turns around to me and says to me “Well, you need to be more emotionally intelligent, Robin…” [laughs] Probably not the best thing to say… But to be honest with you, in the cold light of day, she’s right. But it’s a two-way process, and there are times when she needs to be more emotionally intelligent. And more often than not, as in all relationships, it’s just a simple breakdown in communication. We’re emotional beings as human beings, and we’re not going to manage and maintain an emotional plateau all the time. Do we want to? Do we need to? There are gonna be times when we are more at risk of being led by our emotions than others, and I think it’s a case of having that awareness.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Thank you. That’s a great example, and I love that there’s so much in what you’re saying, because it sounds like it’s difficult – I know this to be true for myself – that I’m less resourced when I’m tired or hungry, or have emotion, or difficult feelings about something else… And that when both people — sometimes the beauty of relationship is that we can support each other, and balance when one person is in a better place and the other one is having a hard time… But it’s much more difficult when both people are having a hard time.
Robin Hills: Yeah.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: And you’re also pointing to some fundamental components of emotional intelligence. It sounds like emotional regulation, and being able to manage one’s own emotions… Also having emotional awareness about reading the queues of people around you – am I hearing that right?
Robin Hills: You’ve summed it up really nicely. Emotional intelligence is an awareness of yourself and an awareness of your own emotions. It’s an awareness of your strengths, your limitations, it’s an awareness of what it is that winds you up, what your hot buttons are, and it’s an awareness of how you can express and manage your emotions. It’s also an awareness of the other person’s emotions through empathy and understanding. And there are going to be times in every relationship when you’re not as sympathetic as you could be.
And emotional intelligence is also about utilizing your social skills to work with another person and to engage with them in an appropriate way. I think it’s important to say here, Jessica, that there are going to be times in an intimate relationship when you just need to be – for want of a better word – not nice. And the other person has just got to recognize that.
I’ll give you another example… A few weeks ago my wife was in a particular mood; I don’t know where it came from, I don’t know what it was all about, I don’t know whether I’d actually instigated or not… But I recognized that she just needed to be not as nice as she normally is, and giving her the space and allowing her to do that… Because I knew after a few hours we’d go back to our normal relationship. Now, that’s not easy; it’s very, very hard, and it’s very difficult to not respond.
I’m not saying or I’m not suggesting that my emotional intelligence was used in the best and most appropriate way at that time, but that is just something that I was very aware of at that particular moment in time. In happens once a year, perhaps even less frequently than that… Just recognize that that’s part of being in a relationship, as much as all the fun stuff is.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes. So in this particular example it sounds like you had a little more resource or emotional stability and awareness to recognize “Oh, my wife is in a mood. I don’t quite understand what it’s about, but I can offer some of that patience, and grace, and understanding, trusting that we’ll get back to our norm, and I’ll understand later. I don’t understand now, but I don’t have to push it.”
Robin Hills: Yes, that’s right. And it’s just a case of extricating myself from the interaction, and giving her some space… Giving her the space that she needed.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes. So as we’re talking, Robin, I am thinking – this is probably true for most areas of study or development… That when one acquires some level of skill, they have a greater awareness of it, and they can see how it benefits them. And conversely, if someone isn’t as aware or isn’t as skilled, they might not even recognize the need for it, for emotional intelligence. So I guess I’m wondering, based on what you see, people who maybe don’t have a lot of emotional intelligence – are they even aware of where that’s problematic for them?
Robin Hills: That is a really good point, because self-awareness is really the first step in understanding yourself and understanding emotional intelligence. And it’s people with very low levels of self-awareness that tend to have very low levels of emotional intelligence… So working on self-awareness is a fundamental principle and skill that can be developed if you are well aware that holding a mirror up to yourself (not a normal mirror, but a metaphorical mirror), so that you can reflect back how your preferences and behaviors are manifesting themselves is not easy to take, at times. People don’t like getting feedback and having their [unintelligible 00:13:36.23] or their liabilities or indeed their weaknesses pointed out to them… But it’s part of recognizing that being a human being, we’re going to have them. And even a strength overplayed can become a weakness and can lead to issues. So it’s having an understanding of what the balance is, and getting that balance right 9 times out of 10, knowing full well that there’s going to be one time out of ten when you don’t get it right.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes. Okay. And what happens for couples where one maybe does have a little more awareness? You’re talking about most people not responding well to unsolicited feedback, and yet if someone’s in a relationship where they’re struggling with their significant other’s lack of awareness, lack of emotional understanding and emotional regulation, what would you suggest around that?
Robin Hills: As in all circumstances within relationships, it’s opening up the levels of communication, and to try and get that to be the medium by which you build up an understanding of each other… And just to recognize that that’s not gonna be an easy conversation, because people don’t like being told that they’re lacking… So coaching is a fundamental part of what I’d do. But one’s gotta be very, very careful with coaching, because asking very deep, penetrating questions can actually be as difficult for people to work with as being told a significant fact or piece of information.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes. And for people listening that recognize they’re wanting to develop more emotional intelligence, it sounds like you’re recommending communicating, perhaps getting some support in the way of coaching… And I guess do you have any language — I mean, I can fumble around with this, I have my own ideas, but I would love to hear from you… What would you say are some examples around how to be sensitive, how to be considerate, and still approach this topic?
Robin Hills: I think another key component of emotional intelligence comes in here, Jessica, and that’s empathy. Now, empathy – we need to define empathy. Empathy is not synpathy. Sympathy is where you’re taking a position of superiority and you’re using your emotions and you’re engaging with people to try to make you feel better. Empathy is about the other person; it’s understanding things from their perspective, understanding their thinking, understanding their feelings, and really seeing the world through their eyes, of experiencing what it is that they’re experiencing. You do not have to agree with that perspective; you just need to understand it. So what is it that you can do to build out that understanding?
I think it’s important to say here, at this point, Jessica, that emotional intelligence is often about giving, and giving of yourself to other people. And there are times in your life in terms of your relationship with other people where you’re like “Well, what about me?” And I think you’ve just got to have the maturity there to recognize that you have needs as much as other people have needs, and get those needs satisfied in an appropriate way. But more often than not, you’re actually giving, and you’re giving far more than you’re gonna be taking.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: That’s a really important point, that if someone’s listening and they’re recognizing they’re longing for a more emotionally intelligent relationship, that perhaps being sensitive and empathetic — because likely there’s a good reason why their partner haven’t developed that emotional intelligence as of yet. And I get there’s a spectrum here; it’s not all or nothing… But when they approach that, if they have more empathy, it’s highly likely that their partner will be more responsive to that conversation, rather than attacking or complaining or criticizing.
Robin Hills: Yes, yes. I think it’s also important to state here that we’ve got this gender divide, and whilst I don’t want to talk about a gender divide, it exists. And if I can stereotypically look at this gender divide, men are much less in tune with their emotions than women are… And I think it’s a case of recognizing that, and just making allowances for it.
Where men tend to use their emotions is when they are in a group, watching a sporting activity, and they can go from intense ecstasy down to the depths of despair very quickly by the performance of the team that they support.
Now, a lot of men say “I don’t do emotions.” Well, yes you do do emotions, and you need to recognize that. But it’s helping the men to recognize that it’s okay to express emotions in an appropriate way. And you’re not expecting them to sob on your shoulder. That I think is an extreme, and I think a lot of men and women expect that in terms of showing emotions. No. It’s just recognizing that emotions drive decisions. Do we go out for a ride in the car this weekend, or do we go for a walk? The decision is driven by emotion. Just recognize that, and work with emotions from that perspective, and then build up to the big emotional reactions, but don’t ever expect men to do that if they’ve not been brought up to express themselves in that way.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: I really appreciate you naming that, because I don’t think that we give it enough merit that this is such a huge factor, particularly when we look at cultural influences, family environment in growing up, but then also evolutionarily, there’s a lot that informs just how a female/make brain works stereotypically… And again, I appreciate you naming that it is stereotypical, but there is truth to it.
Robin Hills: I think we go back to when we start looking at the nurturing components of a mother with a newborn baby… Emotionally, she has the capability, and through her neurosciences, starting to create the neural pathways within her newborn baby through her physiological and hormonal changes that allow that to happen much more naturally… So women do have this tendency, again, through the way in which their brains are wired, and through their hormonal and biochemical changes, to allow them to be much more emotional… Whereas men don’t have that luxury. But it doesn’t mean to say that men can’t be a good emotionally-intelligent person, just by recognizing how important emotions are.
Having a good laugh at a funny program on the television or a funny movie is emotions. It is a use of emotions. And going to a sporting event, or going to the beach, or going for a walk [unintelligible 00:22:13.02] with the family involves emotions.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes… Robin, I remember coming across some research that talks about gender differences as it relates to empathy, and what that study was finding is that men and women have equal capacity for empathy, however women have more language developed to articulate and communicate about empathy, for just the reason you were talking about, around mothers and stereotypically how mothers might talk to their daughters more about emotions, rather than maybe talk as extensively with their sons… So I guess if we can fast-forward, I’m curious, because as we’re talking, I can hear a lot of women in my mind around this balance between “I get that this might be something I yearn for more than my significant other” if they’re in a heterosexual relationship… And “I might be the driver/initiator, or advocating for it a little bit more, and also I don’t wanna be parental. I don’t’ wanna be in this position where I have to coach him, or foster this in him, because then I feel parental and that’s not sexy…”
I guess I’m just curious, for someone listening and wanting to develop more of that – you’re talking about communication, and I’m wondering if safety is a component… You’re also talking about, let’s say in this scenario the woman has more of a need, but also maybe is a little more emotionally intelligent… I’m imagining that there are things that she can do to show up for that need, and it’s almost like modeling it, and standing in it, and then perhaps her partner can engage to whatever degree he feels comfortable with, but that she’s gonna occupy that space a little bit more. I guess I’m interested in your thoughts…
Robin Hills: I think you’ve summed that up really nicely… I think the important thing about any relationship is you cannot change the other person. The other person needs to want to change, and it’s helping them to move to a better place and how do you do that… And the only way you can do that is to affect the change within yourself, and as you say, to model it.
There are people that I engage with outside of my family relationship, and I want them to behave in a different way, and ultimately I get to the point where I think “Look, this is gonna take far too much time and too much resource, and too much effort and energy…” And in those sorts of circumstances I’m fully in my own right and capacity to walk away from that relationship and not really have anything to do with that person or those people. Now, obviously, being more emotionally intelligent and more emotionally aware, if they come to me and ask me for help, then I’m more than happy to help them and to listen and guide them. But other than that – thanks, but no, thank.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yeah, so recognizing people’s capacity and that we can’t engage in this depth with everyone, and sometimes it’s just recognizing the limitations of some of those relationships.
Robin Hills: Yes, and I’m recognizing that from time to time we all get into toxic relationships. Now, if we’re talking about intimacy and intimate relationships here, one would hope that you don’t get into a toxic relationship. But we’ve just got to recognize that those sort of relationships do exist. How much are you driving that toxic relationship yourself? How much is your need/wanting that level of toxicity? It’s a different way of looking at it, but these are some fundamental questions to ask of yourself before you actually start looking at the other person as being the problem. You’re both in it together; the problem exists between the two of you. What are you doing to drive that? That might not be easy to hear, that might not be what people want to hear, but I think that’s an important consideration to start from.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Absolutely. I’m sure that you have ways and information around potentially how to evaluate the moves you’re making, and the emotional intelligence at play… And that’s a really important exercise to look at oneself around “What am I doing? How am I participating?” Because if you’re experiencing it, you’re playing into it to some extent, right? It wouldn’t be happening if you weren’t.
Robin Hills: We have an expression in the United Kingdom, I don’t know whether you have it in the U.S. – it takes two to tango…
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes…
Robin Hills: And this is very much an example here of the fact that it does take two to affect the dance that is the relationship.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Absolutely. Robin, I’m wondering – is there anything that you can share with us today that could be strategies or exercises or techniques that you like to suggest to people in developing emotional intelligence, or how they might be able to play with some of this, and flex some of these muscles in relationship, or even just individually?
Robin Hills: If we go back to the fundamental principle of emotional intelligence that we’ve talked about, which is self-awareness, how do we look at developing self-awareness? Now, when I was a boy growing up, I know a lot of women’s magazines would have some quiz in there to help people understand themselves better. These can be very, very valuable. They’re not just novelties to be laughed at with your friends and then thrown away. How does that help to build up your knowledge about yourself?
Now, at work, a lot of people will be put through a psychometric assessment. And I heard some statistics yesterday from some of the business psychologists that I worked with, who were saying that about 80% of the jobs in the U.S. are filled through a psychometric assessment. If it is as high as that, then you will have an assessment of your personality, of your behavior, for the role that you are applying for. Ethically, you should get some feedback, you should get a report from that personality assessment. How much are you actually taking and working with that, and applying it in your home environment? How much are you looking at how that affects your relationships outside of the work environment? There are some really interesting ways in which you can look at your self-awareness that most people have never even thought about.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: That’s a great suggestion. So in those battery of assessments and reports that one might get about their strengths or their personality – this could be applied to their life overall, including relationship.
Robin Hills: I am qualified to use quite a few of these psychometrics; I’m qualified to use an emotional intelligence inventory… But more specifically, I’m also qualified to use a DISC and Myers-Briggs type indicator… And all of these psychometrics I know are widely used globally, and they are phenomenal at giving some really, really good insights.
I know a lot of relationship counselors use Myers-Briggs to help couples to understand each other better… So please, look at these as scientifically validated and reliable tools to give you some information and give you some insights, and just to understand, particularly if we go back to our stereotypical gender profile that a woman will have a higher feeling preference than a man will have… You can understand that the way in which she processes information is through a value-based process, which is driven by emotions. Whereas the man with a thinking preference is going to be driven more by logic and rationality, and looking at justice. And they are miles apart. So it’s recognizing that there’s no right or wrong in the way in which this information is processed, it’s just that that is a preference. It’s like a preference for a tea or a coffee. No right or wrong. You just go with your preference.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Mm-hm… And that either channel can be given some attention and understanding, and then being able to understand the other channel of thought orientation and then emotion.
Robin Hills: Yes.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: And similarly, with the Myers-Briggs and the Extraversion/Intraversion – I was just meeting with a couple yesterday and I was asking… It’s a newer couple, newer clients, and he is more of an extrovert and he likes to process out loud. And she is an introvert and needs to feel it. And he’s trying to nudge her to talk, and she’s like “I have boundaries. I just need space. I can’t get clear with you talking to me.”
So to your point, there’s some real fundamental differences that if we don’t have the awareness, we could cycle in conflict without looking at there’s some real legitimate differences here that are not resolvable. It’s “How are we gonna deal with it?”
Robin Hills: That’s exactly it. And if I can give you another example very quickly – my eldest daughter has a very, very strong preference for introversion, and she will happily spend days sitting at home; she does some beautiful sowing, she enjoys watching the television, she has a number of rabbits, she’s in a relationship… But she’s quite happy reading books and being in her own space. And a lot of people are very concerned that she’s not out there socializing. Well, she doesn’t need to be. She’s more than contented doing what it is that she’s doing. So it’s not about my needs or anybody else’s needs for her. It’s about what it is that she wants, and recognizing that, and just respecting it.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes… Because from there we can feel safe – going back to the communication and approaching some of this, we can really give value for both positions and really look at how do we evolve this so we can flow or relate better.
Robin Hills: Yes. And just to summarize this really, really quickly – the right space is the space in between.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Right. I love that. So it’s whatever’s real… Can you elaborate on that? Because I can try, but I would love to hear from you.
Robin Hills: Sure. What I’m meaning is that I will have my own position, the person that I am engaging with – which is you at the moment, Jessica – will have your own position… You’re right, I’m right, but the rightness of the way in which we are engaging sits somewhere between the both of us. So just be, and you will make allowances for me, I will make allowances for you, and again, that relationship will grow, blossom and develop.
Now, in terms of an intimate relationship, there are more intense emotions involved, but the principles remain exactly the same.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Robin, as we’re talking, I’m almost getting a sense that there could be a lot of value in giving time and space and investment in emotions. So if we come from — I actually have another couple that are in my mind, and they’re a little older; their children are in college… And they grew up in a family where they were to be seen and not heard, and both the mother and the father — I work with the daughter, and I work with the couple separately… But the parents came from their family where emotions were never to be discussed, and were actually suppressed, and you were to suck it up and deal with it, and just — there’s a lot of other things at play that made that even more complicated… But it sounds like you’re really inviting — with intelligence, there’s a level of space and priority that we give it.
Robin Hills: Yes, and in these sort of circumstances I go back to what I said earlier – I don’t think it really is a case of people becoming intensely emotional, but just recognizing that it is our emotions which drive our preference. So if we are wanting to do something or to buy something, or to go somewhere, or to watch something – it’s going to be driven by an emotion. Just recognizing that — well, emotions fundamentally drive who we are and what we are. Now, suppressing the intense emotions, particularly anger, sadness, fear and perhaps even to a certain extent ecstasy, joy and happiness, is something that I know and I’m well aware that a lot of parents do try to knock out of their children. But you cannot completely knock out emotion; that’s impossible. Or what you will end up with is a husk, a shell, or a robot.
Recognize where your emotions are coming in. Emotions contain information, emotions are there to help you with your rational thinking and your processing. They help you manage stress, they help you manage your life, and they help you to be who you are. So recognize the quality of those emotions and recognize the intelligence that there is within your emotions and apply it within the circumstance that you find yourself in.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: There is so much in what you’ve just said… I wish we had time to really unpack that. But I wanna ask you, Robin, is a helpful tool in what you’re describing, not only with the recognition and the awareness and the understanding around what’s at play, but being able to name it in relationship, or to be able to give some identifying it that might help your partner have a better queue…? Like you were talking earlier, it might have been nice to have your wife say “I’m in a funk. Some things happened. We’ll talk about it, but I need to just be with where I’m at.” Not that we all have the wherewithal to do that, but I’m just curious – is naming the emotion helpful in your eyes
Robin Hills: Oh, most definitely, Jessica. Let me give you another tip. This is one that I use very much in the work environment, but oh boy, does it work within an emotional and intimate relationship… People can argue with your thinking; they cannot argue with your feelings. So if you say to somebody “I am very disappointed in you. I am angry with you. I am saddened by your behavior”, they can’t turn around and say “No, you’re not.” Whereas if you rationally take the emotion out and say “When you do this, that happens”, they can argue with it.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Right. Or “You dropped the ball” or “You didn’t do this.” Yes, when you talk about it as it’s fact, they’re gonna argue.
Robin Hills: Yeah. “You didn’t take the trash out. You didn’t feed the cat. You haven’t taken the dog out for a walk for the last six weeks. You haven’t paid for the coffee when we’ve gone out on the last two occasions.”
Dr. Jessica Higgins: “You never… You always…”
Robin Hills: Yeah. Whereas if you then change that and say “Look, I’m really disappointed, because you haven’t taken the trash out for the last couple of weeks”, you’re having a different conversation.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes… Well, I’m curious – I know we’re winding down to our time… Are there any other tips that you wanna invite people to consider to communicate more effectively, or to build more emotional intelligence? Because what you’re saying is if you can name your emotion, that’s gonna help it not be a debate, or defensiveness; it’s gonna really help your partner understand where you’re coming from, rather than fighting about what the narrative or the reality is. And that’s a huge tip. Is there anything else that you wanna offer around communicating effectively and developing emotional intelligence?
Robin Hills: Well, the first thing to reiterate really is working with emotional intelligence is not easy, and recognize that you’re going to get it wrong, and do not berate yourself for doing that. Just recognize that like you, like me, you’re human, and you’re gonna make mistakes. Learn from them, enjoy your mistakes, and enjoy them for the learning that they offer to you.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: That’s beautiful. I love that, because I think that creates a lot of safe space to practice… And if it is hard, just normalizing that it’s probably one of the hardest things really, to face pain, to face fear, to face things that are not pretty, so to speak… And especially when we haven’t had a family environment where that’s been acknowledged or attuned to – that makes that even more terrifying to bring it up in relationship and the vulnerability there… So I love the recognition that this isn’t easy for anyone, even professionals like you and myself; this is something we practice, and are challenged with, and are not perfect with either.
Robin Hills: Oh, that’s right, that’s right. I’ve been married for – I hate to say this – over 35 years… And I am in love with my wife. If I wasn’t, it wouldn’t have lasted 35 years. But it doesn’t mean to say that the two of us are running across the field, [unintelligible 00:42:10.10] going “Hello, sky! Hello, flowers! Hello, grass! Hello, bunnies!” all the time. That was what it was like at the beginning. But the reality kicked in of day-to-day living. We’ve got bills to pay, we’ve got food to buy, we’ve got to have a roof over our head. She has her friends, I have my friends, we want to do things differently… So the love has changed over that period of time. It’s a deeper, stronger bond that we’ve got, but it has changed, and it’s just recognizing that emotions are going to change, and relationships are going to change, and hopefully you can them to change in tandem.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yeah… So beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. There is an arc and a journey that we’re all in, and it doesn’t always look the same… And to just give space to that development and that deepening. Robin, for people listening and intrigued by what you do, how do people get in contact with you?
Robin Hills: Well, my website is eiforchange.com. If you go to eiforchange.com, there are some free emotional intelligence quizzes for you to test your emotional intelligence, your self-awareness and your regulation, so please take them freely. I have a series of online emotional intelligence courses. I’m quite proud to say that they’re probably — well, I know definitely they are the most comprehensive range of emotional intelligence courses that are available on the internet. You can access those through the website. And there are some free courses that you can take. Working With Mindfulness is a free course that’s available there. And if people want to contact me, they can either contact me by email, [email protected], or through the Contact page on the website.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Lovely. So it sounds like you have some free assessments that people can being to start looking at some of these aspects of emotional intelligence and work with — if they wanna go deeper, you have courses that are very comprehensive, that help people in their development of emotional intelligence. Also, it sounds like you are available for coaching, depending on your schedule. Is that right?
Robin Hills: Most definitely, most definitely. I’m more than happy to engage with people, so if anybody wants to contact me, feel free.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: And I know we’re closing out, but as we’re finishing up, I’m just feeling how important emotional intelligence is, and how much it benefits every area of life. So if someone’s listening and they’re recognizing they could benefit from developing emotional intelligence, just knowing the work that I’ve done in this area has helped me in every arena of life, so I know that it would just be really worth the investment.
Robin Hills: Thank you, Jessica. Yes.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Thank you for joining us today. It’s been an honor to talk with you.
I hope you have enjoyed today’s interview, again, with Robin Hills. Today’s episode is 264, “How to increase your emotional intelligence in relationship”, an interview with Robin Hills. You can find today’s show notes on DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast and you’ll find all of the episodes. On today’s show notes I’ll also put a link to two other podcast episodes on the topic of emotional intelligence. I did a two-part series titled “How to use your emotional intelligence for connection.” So if you’re interested in learning more around emotional intelligence as it relates to relationship, I encourage you to check that out.
Also on today’s show notes I’ll make sure to put a link to a free guide, “Shifting criticism into connected communication.” As Robin was talking about, it can be so easy to address a complaint with a significant other, talking about an issue… And when we address an issue, perhaps even the behavior of what our partner is doing – sometimes that can lead to what sounds like criticism, and hence your partner responding defensively. And as Robin was talking about, if we can access our emotion and really reveal that more vulnerably, then that helps us understand what’s going on. It helps your partner understand what’s going on for you.
And to support you in this, I offer this free guide that gives a side-by-side comparison of what a critical tendency in addressing the behavior of your partner and maybe even being critical – what that looks like, compared to the exact same situation, giving you language around what that more deeper reveal or that emotional reveal would be. You can find this on today’s show notes. It’s free, and if you enter in your email, you’ll have direct access to that. You’ll also get a series of emails helping you understand these dynamics a little further, and even an opportunity to engage in a course that helps you really understand research and the depth of what all is at play, and these deeper roots, and giving you experiential exercises and resources to really work with to shift to this… Because it’s not just willpower and stopping being critical. There’s a lot more going on. Again, you can find that on today’s show notes, DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast, and you can find today’s episode, 264.
Thank you for listening, and until next time, I hope you take great care.
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